Becky's Blog

Separated at Birth?

2006-02-28T13:59:00.000-08:00

So, the other day, one of my classmates pointed out the striking resemblance of our neuroscience course director, Dr. Dafny, to Dr. Derek Sheperd on the show Grey's Anatomy. Now Dr. Dafny is most likely 30 or more years older than the now famous Dr. McDreamy, but he looks just like him, or like he could be his father, rather. I bet he got all the chicks back in his day--ha! The weird thing is they are both billed as brilliant neuroscientists. I think Dr. Dafny is the only real neuro person though. I'm going to put up pictures of both of them and let anyone who reads this decide if my classmate and I are crazy or not.

Dr. Dafny

Dr. McDreamy

Pee Wee's Playhouse

2006-02-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

I went to Mona's blog today and got a blast from the past with the Care Bears. The same site she referenced, retrojunk.com, had the intro to Pee Wee's Playhouse too! Oh the memories! That was one of my favorite shows back in the day! I remember playing Pee Wee with Sara out on the playground everyday. We'd either act out scenes from Pee Wee's playhouse, or do the "Tequila" dance that he did in His Great Adventure on the balance beam thing on the perimeter of the sandbox. Oh good times. The song in the intro made me almost cry tears of joy and happiness for the past! Good times! Go watch it and enjoy, and if Pee Wee wasn't your thing, then check the site out for whatever was. You'll be amazed! you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll definitely do something!

Come on in, and pull yourself up a chair (like Chairry!) Let the fun begin, it's time to let down your hair! Pee-Wee's SO excited, 'cause all his friends have been invited (that's you!) To go wacky, at Pee-Wee's Playhouse! There's a crazy rhythm, comin' from Puppetland (what that?) Dirty Dog, Cool Cat, and Chicky Baby are the Puppet Band (yeah!) He's got a couple of talkin' fish, and a genie who'll grant a wish - Golly, it's cuckoo at Pee-Wee's Playhouse! Globey's spinnin', Mr. Window's grinnin', 'cause Pterri's flyin' by (hello!) The Flowers are singin', the Picture Phone is ringin', and the Dinosaur family goes, "Hi!" Mr. Kite's soarin', Conky's still a snorin', there's the flashing Magic Screen, The Cowntess is so classy, Randy's kinda sassy - A nuttier establishment you've never seen! Spend the day with Pee-Wee and you'll see what we mean! (Come on!) Get outta bed, there'll be no more nappin'! (Wake up!) 'Cause you've landed in a place where anything can happen - Now we've given you fair warnin'! It's gonna be that kind of mornin' - For bein' wacky! For getting nutty! Golly, it's cuckoo! At Pee-Wee's Playhouse!

Retreat

2006-02-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

The members of the UT Houston class of 2010 have been selected as of February 1, 2006. We are already planning their welcome weekend retreat. It should be awesome. I loved retreat when I went, and while I was there I made some of the best friends that I have at school right now. We picked the theme for the retreat the other day. MdTV. Welcome class of 2010!

Randomness

2006-01-31T21:18:00.000-08:00

It seems like every day when I'm walking home from school I think of all kinds of fun things to write about here in my blog. I start telling myself stories the way I would write them down in here and think of the fun I will have actually recording and posting my thoughts. I typically don't stop to write them down right when I get home, so I lose them all. Like today I distinctly remember thinking "Wow, I've should make two posts because I've got two good stories to tell." Of course now that I'm at home and I have the time I can't remember for the life of me what I wanted to write about. I just pulled up the new post screen and and we stared at each other blankly for ten minutes. I decided to give up and write about never being able to remember what I wanted to write about instead. Perhaps later at least one of the seemingly great ideas I had for an entry will come back to me and I can update again. Right now I just have random thoughts, but none of them actually constitute a story or a full blog post. I guess I'll start listing them off, but they won't really tell a story or seem all that interesting in the disjointed way I'm going to present them.

1. I'm VERY excited about the new club that's getting started up at school, medical students for choice. It's not an official club yet, so we can't meet on campus. This Thursday we are meeting for the first time at the Starbucks in the med center (Yeah, there are tons of those. I'm hoping by not revealing the exact location we won't get any crazy protesters or anything showing up--at least not because of me). I'm a member of all kinds of clubs, but I don't really care about the missions of those clubs like I care about this one. We'll see if I actually become an active member of something.
2. Kind of on the same line, I'm excited about an upcoming lecture in the geriatrics interest group. It's a group of mostly Baylor med students who "graciously" invite the "UT rifraff" to their school once a month for lunchtime lectures on geriatrics topics. One of the next ones is called, "Sexuality in Aging: Does it Exist?" I can't wait to hear what they have to say. It's combining 2 of my favorite topics, ha! Yeah, in one of the previous lectures they shared with us that the geriatric population is the age group that is currently experiencing the fastest spread of HIV. The sexuality lecture should be informative, yet slightly silly.
3. I think I might need to give Elwood up to a better home. I don't think I could seriously follow through with it because I'm too attached to him, but he needs to be some place where he has more room to run and more people to play with him. He'd do well in a home with small children, or with a housewife who is fairly athletic and active. He needs constant attention and rough play to be happy. My long days at school and at home sitting on my butt studying don't agree with him. He gets mad and disruptive while he begs for attention. Then I get mad at him and try to get him to stop his annoying behaviors. I'm really just enforcing them because he's crying for attention, and the only way I'll stop studying to give it to him is to get him to stop doing something bad, or to reprimand him. It's really kind of sad. He deserves better than me, but right now I'm what he's got. Poor kitty cat. At least he has Jake to play with.
4. I'm pretty freaked out about my physical exam test on Friday. I'm practicing on friends right now, but I still feel like I'm unprepared. How am I ever going to make it as a doctor? How will anybody ever take me seriously? I just talked to my cousin Joseph tonight, and he's almost done with his residency. He's passed all his licensure exams, but he still needs to be boarded, but he'll do that in a month or so. He says when people call him doctor he still doesn't realize they are talking to him, and that he still feels like a fraud. It's good to know that feeling never goes away. I've heard people who have been practicing for years say that too. I guess confidence is something you fake for your patients' benefits. I noticed that tonight when practicing on a friend. I made a face when listening to his heart sounds. Not because something was weird with him, but because I couldn't hear distinctly and I was straining to figure it out. He saw the momentary lapse in confidence and interpreted it as something being wrong with him. I think I scared him. What was really going on was that I was scared. Oh well. Fake it until you get it, right? Damn my overly expressive facial movements!
5. Tonight is the night the Texas med schools post the match. I can't believe it's been a year since I found out I got into school. I'm so scared for everybody who is finding out, right now actually. It's 12:00 am right now. We sat around at lunch today at school and talked about it and got ourselves all worked up again. We shared interview stories and stories about what we did when we found out we got in. People asked me what happens when you don't match and when you get on a waiting list, because I was the only person in our lunch group who had that experience. I also found out that the reason I got a call from UTMB the day before we had to submit our rankings for the match last year was because I was accepted. I asked around and only a few people got called and they were the ones who ranked it lower than UT-H. The ones who ranked UTMB higher than UT-H didn't get the call. It makes me happy to know that at least 2 of the schools I applied to wanted me the second time around, esp since nobody wanted me the first time. Well, UT-H kinda wanted me. They waitlisted me, but that's not the same. Anyways, I'm feeling the stress for everybody who is going through the process tonight.

Yeah, I guess I had more to say than I originally thought. However, I'm fairly certain none of those topics are what I had wanted to write about earlier today. If it was important enough, it will come back to me.

X-ray obsession

2006-01-25T13:36:00.000-08:00

So I came home after doing poorly on my physiology test and turned on an episode of Scrubs. I had to take a break between the physio test and starting to study for my micro test or I knew I wouldn't be very productive. Of course, if I wanted a real break, why did I turn on Scrubs? Hmm...anyways, the last few episodes I saw I thought I caught something weird in the intro, but I wasn't sure. Today I paused it and I found out I was right. At the end of the intro Zach Braff's character puts an AP chest film up with the show's name inscribed on it. It's backwards. The normal convention is to have the film placed so it's as if you are looking at a patient from the front. This puts the left side structures (apex of heart and gastric bubbles) on the right side of the film and right side structures (bulge of liver under diaphram) on the left side of the film.

Backwards

Apex of heart and gastric bubbles on left of film (right of patient)

Liver on right of film (left of patient)

Normal
Apex of heart and gastric bubbles on right of film (left of patient)
Liver on left of film (right of patient)

Now the show either got the convention wrong, or they decided to be very tricky and show the film of a patient with situs inversus in the opening credits, which is hard to believe.

Situs Inversus
Apex of heart and gastric bubbles on left of film (right of patient)
Liver on right of film (left of patient)

Why does it bother me that Scrubs made a mistake in the common way to view an x-ray? They don't even claim to be one of the medically correct or even realistic shows. Oh well, it's not like it matters or that it changes any of the story lines or anything. I guess I'll let it go, but only after pointing out the glaring error here in my blog!

Belle and Sebastian = Tightness in Chest and Knots in Stomach

2006-01-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

This is awful. Belle and Sebastian (happy upbeat music) gives me knots in my stomach and makes me want to cry. It's closely tied to the stress that landed me in the hospital almost 2 years ago. I can feel my heart rate rising and my pooper becoming immotile the longer I listen to it. It's almost Feb 1 again, perhaps that has something to do with my reaction. The music reminds me of the disappointment and embarrassment linked to not getting into school the first time. I listened to them almost nonstop during that time in my life. They were my "get ready in the morning" band. When I hear them I get really upset. Flashes of the night I found out I didn't get in, when I had 20 or so well wishing friends in my living room, come rushing back. I remember hiding in my room for like 30 minutes and signing up to take the MCAT again before I surfaced to tell them what happened. Of course I didn't walk out of the door of my room. I climbed out the window onto the balcony where only a few people were sitting. I had to ease my way into making the disappointment a reality. They also make me think of all the stress I was under when I was going to work every day, and then leaving and going straight to wind ensemble rehearsal, and then leaving wind ensemble rehearsal without even time to eat dinner and heading to my MCAT prep class every day. Once that was over I ate (or just didn't eat--either way it was in the car), and then went straight to the Trinity library to study until it closed. Then I would go home, cry myself to sleep, and start all over the next day. It didn't help that I had all kinds of stress at home and thought my roommates at the time hated me. Then there was the boy who I met during all that crap too. Of course that screwed with my mind, made it more difficult for me to study, and gave me even less sleep because every break I took to see him wound up getting me drunk and having me stay out too late. Luckily I was crazy enough at that point to screw things up rather quickly. Then there was the pressure of having to rehearse with the sax quartet because we were opening up for the wind ensemble concert. We had a whole half of a concert to prep for, and you can't hide in a quartet. I felt like I had to be really good because I wasn't even a student at that point. It would have been pathetic for me to come back and totally suck up the group. I still don't have the CD of that concert. I should call Dr. Worman. Then there was the whole thing where I was the only lab tech who was asked to present research for our grant defense. I had to give a 45 min presentation on the project I was working on to the guy who was thinking of cutting our funding. It was awful. I know it was a honor that my group trusted me enough to ask me to do it, but it was a huge stress. Then Scooby, my cat of 18 years died, and I wasn't there to say goodbye. I went home the weekend after finding out I didn't get in. I was having massive abdominal pains that were intermittent so I didn't want to say anything about them to my family. Unfortunately, they witnessed one first had at dinner one day. I was standing up to clear the dishes and I basically just doubled over in pain. It was something that was happening to me 2 or 3 times a day at that point. It would last about 10 minutes and hurt so bad I couldn't stand up or see straight. They almost took me to the hospital, but the pain went away. They called our family doctor and he told me to drink malox (WTF?). I wound up going home to San Antonio with no resolution. The pain kept coming and going. Then one day, the last Wednesday in February, I was sitting in my MCAT class and the pain came again. I excused myself to the restroom and collapsed on the floor for about 45 minutes. When I could finally get up again, I went back to class, grabbed my things, and went to the Texas Med Clinic next door. They took an x-ray and you could trace my whole colon and part of my small intestine because of the feces that was backed up in there. I hadn't realized it, but I hadn't pooped in weeks. Stress does funny things to people. They told me to go home and drink a bottle of magnesium citrate and I would be fine. Well, I was so stressed at work (my presentation to keep the grant was on March 1) I didn't drink the magnesium citrate that night. I had to present my presentation to my boss the next day, so I held off one day, went to work, and dealt with the pain. When I came home I drank the bottle and went to bed expecting to be awakened in a few hours and relieved. When that didn't happen and I woke up to my alarm for work the next day, I called in sick. I was expecting the stuff to work at any minute. I waited until 5pm before I drove myself to the emergency room. I wound up alienating my roommates even more because I called them and left them a message saying I was going to the emergency room and not to worry if I didn't come home that night. Apparently they were pissed they didn't get any further updates, but I was somewhat busy being a patient at that point. Long story short, I got admitted to the hospital. I had a ileus, my small intestine had just shut down. The only explanation I got was the stress. I had a rather humiliating night ranging from having to ask Vanessa to leave the room so I could be analy probed (she was awesome and came to the hospital to sit with me) to begging a nurse who had just given me an enema for tampons. I remember how alone I felt. It was terrifying. Anyway, the stress eased after the next week when my presentation went well (so well I was asked to take it to DC for a conference to present it), and I didn't totally screw up the quartet performance. Then all I had to concentrate on was taking the MCAT again and getting into med school. Belle and Sebastian still reminds me of all of that stuff. That had to be the worst month or two of my entire life. Every time something even remotely upsetting happens now I think back to that time and it doesn't seem so bad. I've been able to let go of a lot of different things that would have stressed me out pre-pooper problem. But whenever I hear Belle and Sebastian those feelings come rushing back. I can't believe there was a time in my life when I thought it was normal to feel that bad all day long. I think I better stop this entry and stop listening to Belle and Sebastian right now. I don't like feeling like this. Hopefully it's just the music and not the fact that Feb 1 is rolling around again. Why does the thought of that make me nervous. I've already matched. I'm in school. Geeze.

Texas Summer Family Medicine Preceptorship Program

2006-01-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

I guess it's time to start planning for summer. There are lunch meetings all week at school for different preceptorships that we can do this summer. I just got back from the family practice summer preceptorship program meeting. Apparently we should start getting our applications in by next Tuesday! Crap! I still have to go hear from the internal medicine people on Thursday. I know for sure that I want to do a preceptorship (I'd rather die than have to go back into a research lab--ick!) I just don't know which kind of preceptorship would be best. I was captivated by the two family practicioners who came to speak to us today. I might want to see if I can work with the second one. He was old, his practice is in Alvin, and he starts his days with rounds at a Clear Lake hospital at 5am and the day doesn't end until he finished seeing patients at his private practice at 5pm, but what he had to say today fascinated me. He talked about how he sees very sick patients in the hospital every day, how he has 200 or so patients currently in nursing homes, how 80% of his practice deals with psychology, how he feels he can treat patients better than other specialists because he knows everything about them and their family members, and how much he loves teaching and giving his students first crack at most of the patients who come in. If he is what family practice and family practice preceptorships are all about, I want in on that. Of course, I don't really know a doctor I for sure want to pair up with, and practices vary a lot. At least family practicioners get to see a little bit of everything. That might be the best bet for a person who just finished up her first year of med school. I'd get exposed to more things than I might get to see in any other sort of preceptorship program. It's exciting really. The second speaker talked about how his summer students help take histories, do physical exams, suture, etc. I don't know how to do any of that yet, but I would love to learn, esp when I'm still "young" and not expected to really know any of it yet. I'm kinda shy in those areas, and the more experience I have before it really counts the better.

Another thing that really jumped out at me from the second doctor who spoke was that he mentioned how we were all slightly type A or we wouldn't be in medical school. Dead on. Well, of course then he followed it up by saying he didn't really believe in the whole type A personality thing. He thinks it's really a bipolar (type 2) characteristic in most of us. Dead on again. We get severely depressed, but when we aren't depressed we have excess amounts of energy and optimism and think we can do anything if we work hard enough. And we typically can do anything we desire to do during those time periods. Hmm...substitute me/I for the we, and it sounds like he could have been talking directly to me! Ha! Of course I haven't had a severe depressive episode in almost 4 years now...hmm. Anyway, the more I hear about family practice the more intrigued I get by it all, and by the astute and people-smart physicians who go into it. Unless the internal medicine summer program people totally blow me away, I think I'm going to try and do a family medicine preceptorship this summer. Then the only question would be urban or rural. I know I'd prefer urban (small towns frighten me), but they pay you twice as much to go to a rural setting. Hmm...there are some things to figure out, but right now I'm VERY excited about the opportunities ahead of me this summer and for the rest of my life!

Sax-o-ma-phones and Good Friends

2006-01-09T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today was not only an insanely long day at school, but it was also a day for reminiscing once I got home. I got two very random and unexpected emails today. The first one was from Sancho. He was writing an update from his first quarter in grad school, and he also told me (and a few other people on the email list) that he was engaged! Wow! Congrats Sanch! He and Leslie are so cute together. I hope I'm invited to the wedding! It sounds like Stanford is kicking his ass, but knowing him he's kicking right back!

I got another saxophone related trip down memory lane today when I got a second random email from Mr. Parker, my old Trinity sax teacher (and Sancho's old teacher, and Zachle's old teacher, and even David's old teacher--I miss the old quartet gang...we did some good gelling!) He was just dropping me a line to say hello and to stay in touch. I really want to go back to SA sometime. Not a whole lot of people are left there, but it would be fun to go back and see Vanessa, Frenchle (who is also engaged--I think it's an epidemic), Zachle, Mr. Parker, and Dr. Worman. I guess if I went I should visit old work people too, but I'm not sure if they would let me back on the base or not. Man, these past few weeks have been full of reunions, big news, and sentimental moments.

Today has also made me yearn to play my saxophone again. I really need to find a group here in Houston. I want to practice now, but the walls in my complex are really thin and I'm afraid I would annoy my neighbors at this semi-late hour. I suck now. I don't have any good reeds, and I've lost most of the tone in my lips. The only thing I really had going for me at the end was my sound (at least I liked it...I know Zach and the others didn't like my "french" style, but I did). Now I don't have my sound, and I'm so out of practice I really don't have any technique any more. I need to get back into it now before it totally slips away forever.

Anyways, enough about the saxophone. I think I'm going to have a big smile on my face all night, possibly even all week after hearing from two very important people from my past! I love random emails. They may possibly one of the biggest joys in modern life! Oh...and if we are talking about random emails that made me smile, I got one from Cristin a few weeks ago saying she wanted to come visit in Texas sometime relatively soon and to tell her what dates I'm free! Now that was a good email too! Man, I really made a lot of good friends back at Trinity. I miss it, but I'm glad we are all growing up. I'm excited to see where everybody lands. Hopefully we'll all stay in touch at least somewhat.

A Woman in Uniform

2006-01-08T11:26:00.000-08:00

On Friday, I had to go to a standardized patient skill session to work on physical exam techniques. We aren't going to be tested over these techniques until February, but they wanted us to have the physical exam checklist memorized by the time we got to our skill session. I did not. Most of the class did not. It was really quite pathetic. However, in the spirit of ICM, we all got dressed up, wore our white coats and had our stethoscopes dangling around our necks. We looked like we knew what we were doing. (We were told at the beginning of ICM that we were expected to look like we knew what we were doing because we didn't know anything yet and appearance was about all we could bring to the table. Yikes! But it's so true!)

So we have to walk across the med center from the school building to get to the area where we do our standardized patients. It's in a professional building (actually it's attached to the Hilton where my parents always stay when visiting my brother at Rice). There were about seven of us who got on an elevator in that building, and two regular people who seemed to be going to see their doctors. One of them looked at us and made the comment, "I guess if I have a heart attack in this elevator I'd be in good hands." We just kind of froze and didn't say anything until he got off the elevator and then we all cracked up--nervous laughter of course. We haven't had any kind of emergency training yet. We don't even know how to do a freakin' physical exam, let alone what any of the tests in the exam really mean. So if somebody had a heart attack in an elevator with us, they'd be no better off than if they had it on a desert island somewhere. We've been told to fake it until we get it. Ex. If you can't feel the liver just pretend and move on. If you can't feel the thyroid, just pretend and move on. If you put your stethescope on wrong, and can't hear anything when taking a blood pressure, just say 120/80 and move on. Scary, no?

I'm starting to get scared about having to give the actual physical for the test. We only get 45 minutes for the real thing, and when I did it with my partner on Friday we had an hour and we only got about 3/4 of the way through it all. So, if you are reading this and you live in the Houston area and are willing to let me practice on you, please let me know! I need help! There is only one semi-painful test that I need to do, and I don't even have the equipment to do it, so I'll just pretend on you. I don't need to see your private parts. We don't learn those exams until second year. Please help me learn to help others! I don't want to have to "fake it 'til I get it" on actual patients. That's just scary!

Oh man, after the skill session, I had another scary moment. I was walking home (I've decided not to take the rail home this semester until the weather is just too aweful to bear walking), and this guy came up to me because he saw my white coat. He started asking me all kinds of questions, and eventually all I really was able to do was direct him to Methodist hospital. I need to be careful. Apparently even a student's white coat is a sign that you might know something. Of course I didn't know the difference between a student's white coat and a doctor's white coat until I was a student.

It's so weird. The white coat is a symbol of being a doctor, but scrubs are something else entirely. I had a conversation with several of my female classmates about our experiences wearing scrubs in the med center (we had to every day for gross anatomy last semester). Apparently I wasn't the only one who was mistaken for a nurse when that happened. People were always really nice to me, and would say things like "you nurses sure do a good job," and other such comments. Apprently guys in our class who overheard our convesation said they had an opposite experience. When they wore their scrubs everybody just assumed they were doctors already. Hmm...double standard? It reminds me of when I told people I got into medical school. Those who didn't know me or the med school entrance process that well, asked me how long I had been a nurse first to get in, or why I didn't choose nursing, or why I was leaving nursing. That always pissed me off. You don't need to nurse first to be a doctor. If I was a male, they wouldn't have ever said anything like that to me. Now, I'm not saying being mistaken for a nurse is a bad thing. Nurses are some of the nicest people on the planet, and they do a very important job. Medical care would come to a standstill without them. I'm just pissed at the blatent sexism in comments of ignorant people. Yes, females can be doctors. They can be damn good doctors too.

My pediatricain was a female, so from the get go I never had the notion that doctors had to be male. I thank my parents every day for choosing a female pediatrician for me. I like to think it was somewhat in their grand design. They've told me they knew for a long time that I would probably wind up being a doctor, but they never really wanted to say anything to me about it or push me too hard because they also knew I was stubborn and would choose not to do it just to spite them. Because my first doctor, who I had the most experience with, was female, I never questioned if females could be doctors or not. Talking to some people now, I'm realizing that was a huge hurdle that some of my classmates had to overcome, or some of my friends who didn't choose medicine decided not to overcome. It's crazy really.

Anyway, our class is almost 50/50. When we started out there were 110 male 90 female. A lot of people have dropped now, and I'm not sure how big the class really is anymore, or if the ratios changed. Anyways, I'm just glad to be in the class and still hanging in there. I still giggle when I think to myself, "they are going to let ME be a DOCTOR?" Oh those foolish, foolish people! Ha!

New Semester

2006-01-05T18:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm four days into my second semester of med school. This semester it's all about physiology, neuroscience, microbiology, immunology, and introduction to clinical medicine. Before attending any classes I thought I was going to like physiology and neuroscience the best because I had taken a physio class in college, and I almost went for PhD in neuro instead of an MD. I was terrified of micro and immuno. Now that I've attended lectures in all of the topics, I've realized I need to fear physio (just like in college...I forgot). Neuro is still really cool. I like the conceptual part of it, but the anatomy part is going to be tough. Micro and immuno have pleasantly surprised me. I had no idea how cool they could be. Micro is really the first clinical type course we are going to have. It's all about learning about all the different fun organisms that live with us, and can invade our bodies. I'm either going to become extremely paranoid by the end of the class, or totally immune to anything gross. I've already seen tons of disgusting pictures, and learned that my 5 second rule, among other disgusting habits I have are way worse than I ever realized. In the first micro lecture, they introduced us to a new program they are trying out. They had decorated several of the standardized patients with stage makeup to simulate an infectious disease. They walked around the room showing us the pustules on their faces and the open wounds on their arms. It was pretty gross and realistic looking. Apparently they were made up to look like people with anthrax. They'll be visiting our class on a semi-regular basis to show us what future patients who present to us with these infectious diseases might look like. It was pretty cool. There is something about seeing it on a real person instead of just from a picture that is intriguing, and not quite as disgusting. We also had a micro lab already where we took throat swabs and we are culturing them. So I finally got to do a semi-painful invasive procedure on someone, the girl who comes after me in the alphabet--we sit in alphabetical order in lab. She's cool, and I didn't make her puke, and she didn't make me puke, so I guess it's all good. We'll see tomorrow what we managed to grow.

Man, physiology is going to kill me. Today I thought my head was going to explode. The first hour (8-9am way to early for deep thought) we spent class deriving and Starling equation. Now, I'm in medicine because I suck at math. SUCK. Seeing all those variables, and doing algebra (yeah, even that hurts my head), made my brain want to shut off. I don't remember such a heavy equation emphasis from physio in undergrad. Luckily the second physio hour was more conceptual. I'm banking on the class turning more conceptual. If not, I'm screwed. It was like a scary physics/physical chemistry lesson, and I didn't want to have to dredge those memories back up if I didn't have to. Luckily we had micro next. We just went over very basic stuff from metabolism and biochem. It was review and it could have lasted maybe 15 minutes but they stretched it into two hours. Naturally I fell asleep a few times, daydreamed, and started giggling for no apparent reason with Shikha and Melanie. All three of us were bored out of our skulls, but unlike most of the rest of the class we didn't have the balls to just walk out. People were actually getting up in the middle of the lectures and walking out the door. It was kind of awesome, but I felt bad for the lecturer. By the end there were maybe 40 of us left, and that may be a fairly generous estimate. (It's a class of 200).

Anyway, I'm excited about the new semester, but not quite excited about getting started with the whole studying thing again. I've been fairly lazy at home. This semester class starts at 8 every morning and goes to noon. We have neuro lab in the afternoon every Monday, and sometimes we'll randomly have ICM or maybe a micro lab (but those are usually only an hour long an in the morning). The days are much shorter than last semester, and I'm afraid that might not be good for me. I relied on the "oh shit, it's 6pm" factor to get me to study when I came home from class last semester. Now it's noon when I get home, and I feel like I have all day to study--so I don't ever do it. That will have to change. Right now, I don't think I'm going to study. I just need to do laundry, clean up my place, and look over my physical exam checklist. I've got a standardized patient tomorrow, and we are supposed to be able to make it most of the way through the physical without looking at our notes. Whoops! I also don't have any clean professional looking clothing to wear tomorrow. Whoops! I guess I better get on that. Maybe I can convince some friends to go to happy hour with me afterwards...prance around in my nice clothes and white coat somewhere. I haven't done that before...it might be fun. Of course I hear you have a high chance of getting robbed when you do that, so maybe the white coat will have to stay at home. Oh wait! There's a back to school party tomorrow. I'll see if anybody is actually going. If it's just the cool kids, I don't think I want to go. Well, I think all my friends are cool, but we know where we stand in the social hierarchy. It's funny. It's just like junior high again. Everybody knows everybody and their business, and it was clear on the first day who was cool and who wasn't...guess where I fell! Ha! It was weird. Today someone in my class brought a friend from out of town to lecture with them, I noticed immediately that she didn't belong. I don't know everyone's names yet, but I know all the faces and she was an outsider. It reminds me of Trinity, except I'm sure I'll know all the names here before I graduate. It's weird thinking how much time I've already spent with these people, and how we have the rest of our lives to spend together. I better not screw up and alienate anybody! Oh well, time to go. Maybe I will study a bit tonight. Physio is going to kick me hard.

Euphoria aka longest entry ever

2006-01-02T16:24:00.000-08:00

The past two days have been fantastic. I don't even know how to begin to describe them, but I know if I don't do it now while some of the magic is still somewhat present, I'll never be able to do it. Two of my best friends in the world got married to each other yesterday. I've known the groom, Darby, since the eighth grade, and I met the bride, Jenny, at Trinity through Darby. Because of my connections to them, we have pretty much all the same friends (with some notable exceptions), so their wedding was not only fantastic because it was the joining of two of my favorite people in the world, but also because it was a reunion of many of my high school and college friends.

The wedding activities really kicked into gear (for me) when Esther came down from Ohio to stay with me several days before the wedding. We hung out, had good times together, and spent several days just enjoying each others company before the wedding activities really started. On Friday there was a semi-failed attempt at a bridesmaids lunch so Esther could meet the crew and we could hang out with Jenny, who was remarkably calm during the whole ordeal. Probably because she's so insanely organized that she knew everything was under control. Then, Esther and I came home and prepared for the party we were throwing for Jenny and all her friends for New Years. We then left for the rehearsal which was interesting, informative, and emotional. The wedding was in Jenny's family church and I'm pretty sure she had a very personal connection with the minister. He led us through the ceremony so we wouldn't screw it up the next day, and explained a lot of the symbolism behind the things that are done in the ceremony. It actually made a lot of the seemingly strange ritual start to make a little more sense. Also the minister made Darby run through their vows. I had a hard time choking back the tears. It was very emotional. I realized that I was going to have to bring a hanky with me to the actual ceremony. I'm glad the other bridesmaids felt the same way, and we all wound up tucking Kleenex into our bouquets on the real day.

Anyways, after we learned how to play our parts for the next day (and I found out I was the second tallest bridesmaid out of 5--wtf?), we left for the rehearsal dinner at Carabbas. It was very nice. The restaurant was all decked out for New Years. There were gold, black, and silver helium balloons lining the entire ceiling with streamers hanging down so you had to walk through them like curtains. It was actually fairly classy looking. There were two long tables, one where the bride and groom and their families sat, and one where the bridal party sat. They never let our wine glasses even get halfway empty, so needless to say the bridal party table got a little loud and obnoxious before the end of the night. I just hope we didn't do or say anything that offended Darby, Jenny, their families, or the minister. Oh, and just in case you were wondering, none of the bridal party caught on fire was smote when entering the church. It was a relief.

After the rehearsal dinner, Esther and I barely had enough time to go to the grocery store and pick up plastic cups for my party and get back to my place before the best man and the bride showed up. I still can't believe Jeran came to our party. I'm glad he did. I love hanging out and drinking with him, and I'm quite flattered he came over to my place at all. Of course once those two got to my place the party really started, but then more and more people started filtering in. On top of tons of my awesome Trinity friends coming over to my place, several of my med school friends dropped by to mix and mingle, as well as some of my good high school friends who didn't know the Trinity crowd. It was fantastic and somewhat emotionally overwhelming to see them all gathered in one spot together having fun, getting along, and enjoying each other's company. I love throwing parties like that. I love getting people together and helping them have good times. Apparently I'm the party person, at least from our old Trinity crowd. I'm happy to do it! I want to list all the people that came, but that might make some people uncomfortable, and I'd be terrified I missed somebody, so I won't do it. But there were tons of Trinity peeps and we kicked it old school. We even had so much fun that some of my neighbors across the parking lot saw and heard us on my balcony and came over to ask us if they could join us so the three of them wouldn't be alone at midnight. They were awesome. They are rice grads and grad students, and they seemed to have a good time and they fit in well with my other friends. Most people had no idea that I had no clue who they were. It was actually quite amusing. The eclectic crowd made ringing in the new year even more enjoyable. The party was fun, and Kristi wound up staying over (Esther too, but she was already living with me for the week). We had some girly time, and then they went to sleep. I stayed up for a bit too long, but still managed to wake up early enough to get things going for Jenny's wedding the next day.

When we woke up the apartment was a mess and smelled like a bar. There were at least 8 empty champagne bottles, several empty liquor bottles and all sorts of cups food leftovers, and other bottles lying around. There were streamers everywhere from party poppers, and new years hats and blowers strewn about the place. We actually wound up with more liquor after the party than I started it with. My friends have gotten more generous with their food, alcohol, and party favors since Trinity. Yay! They of course have gotten craftier too (if that was possible). I got a deck of naked man playing cards from Jenny for my birthday this year. They have made many appearances around Houston, and rode in my purse until the bachelorette party where they were put to good use. They came out again for this party, and while I was socializing with people on my balcony, they got strewn about my apartment, and placed in strategic locations. Esther helped complete the madness today. When I was at school she apparently hid most of the rest of the deck in random locations in my apartment. I'll be finding them all over the place for months I bet. Hopefully not at inappropriate times! Ha!

Anyways, once we recovered from New Years Eve, it was time to primp and get ready to go to Jenny's to help her get ready. I did my hair pretty much like I normally do it, and tried my make up. I guess it wasn't quite good enough. Allison grabbed me and did my hair for me. It looked pretty cool. Then she fixed my makeup. I guess I'm not quite girly enough to do the proper bridesmaid look. Jenny looked gorgeous. She, Allison, Esther, and I drove off to the church where we met Anna (the maid of honor) and helped Jenny change and then we changed. We sat around the church waiting to take pictures playing blackjack for a bit. Finally the big moment arrived, and we walked over to the chapel. I was the first bridesmaid out of the shoot, which was sort of intimidating. I was afraid I'd fall, or walk too slow or too fast or something. Luckily none of that happened to anybody. After we all filed in, and the ringbearer did her thing, the music changed and the doors were flung open for Jenny and her dad. I nearly broke down at that point. I'd seen her all dressed up before, but the music, and her dad, and everybody standing up to watch her was almost too much. I contorted my face in all sorts of crazy ways to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks. Darby even mentioned to me that he noticed I was having problems at that point (I don't know why he of all people noticed). I was able to keep it pretty cool for the rest of the ceremony. It was beautiful. I never realized how hard it was to stand totally still for that long in heels. I did it all the time for marching band, but it's a totally different ball game in heels. We were just scenery for the wedding, and I was terrified of falling, moving, or doing anything to accidentally attract attention. There was one other point that really got me choked up in the wedding. When they went to light the unity candle, there was something about their slow deliberate movements and the gorgeous violin music playing in the background that made me almost cry again. The song went on forever, and for some reason while it was going on I visualized a montage of all my happy memories of Darby, Jenny, and our other friends from eighth grade on up. I shouldn't have done that because it made me kinda teary again, but I couldn't help it. It was a very emotional couple of days.

When the ceremony was over we took a few more pictures and then headed off to the reception. Esther and I were responsible for making sure that one of the center pieces made it from the church to the reception. When we were loading all of our stuff up, the groomsmen happened to see the box of leftover alcohol in my trunk from the previous night's party. They got intrigued. I know them from high school, so I don't think they really know about parties I throw. Ha! It was all just leftovers that I didn't recognize or I hadn't actually bought myself. We made it to the hotel, and the reception started out nicely. Unfortunately the DJ didn't show up. They had to call in a backup who got there kind of late. It gave us plenty of time to talk and mingle with guests though, so that was good. It was impossible to go anywhere without being stopped by people you hadn't seen in ages that wanted to say hello (or without hearing some of the older men talking about all the pretty young girls--Esther and I heard at least 3 different guys say that when we were around--Yikes!) When the DJ got there we finally got the party started, and they cut the cake and toasts were made. Jenny's brother has a barbershop quartet and they sang to them, as did Matt, who did his best Frank Sinatra impersonation of "The best is yet to come." Then they danced together, then they danced with their parents. Then they had the bridal party come out and start a dance. It was awesome. They tricked us. We thought we had to couple up and do something serious, then some old crazy 70s song came on and we were told to cut loose and grab people from the floor. Of course I'd already had a bit much wine by that point, and I got the bright idea of grabbing Kirk and forcing him to dance. It was awesome. The power of the purple dress and the DJs instructions compelled him, and he couldn't say no. It amused me, his wife, and the table of Trinity peeps he was sitting with. I was surprised, but pretty much everybody danced and went crazy. We weren't a dancing type of people in college, or ever, so it was pretty crazy and hilarious. I can't believe I let loose and went crazy on the floor. I'm normally terrified to dance in situations like that, but I couldn't stop myself until the music stopped last night. I think it was the magic of knowing and loving all the people there, and trying to be incredibly upbeat and party starting for my favorite couple ever. However at one point, I got a little overcome by emotion again. I was dancing with Kristi and Esther, and looking at everybody else, and for some reason Marvin Gaye's "let's stay together" made me burst into tears. The song is incredibly cheesy and I can't believe it made me cry, but as I was looking at my special lady friends, and all my other good friends smiling laughing and having a good time together again, and I couldn't take it. I hadn't actually let the tears flow at any point previously, and the damn just broke. I had to run off to the bathroom, and somehow Esther and Kristi wound up there with me. They didn't realize I was crying until I locked myself in a stall for about half a minute. Then I felt ridiculous for telling them I was crying because I loved them too much. I've never been a happy crier. I know my friends know I love them, but it's weird to express it in such an emotional way. Oh my gosh, I'm tearing up right now just thinking about it. I really do have the best friends in the world. I would do anything for anybody that was at that wedding. I think that's why I like throwing parties when we are all together. Its the best way I know to show how much I love everybody.

So yeah, after the reception, Darby and Jenny made their big exit, and Esther and I showed our love for our friends by inviting them up to our room for another party. Apparently we are the two "wild" bridemaids. Esther was afraid we were the "slutty" bridesmaids because she apparently overheard somebody she didn't know say they were hoping to "nail a bridesmaid tonight." Whoever they were they were SOL! Ha! We did however throw a great hotel party. I have tons of pictures from it. It was awesome. It started by Matt and I going downstairs to try and get some leftover beer from the reception for the party. Darby and Jenny had to buy a whole keg, and they had several pictures that had been poured just sitting out. We tried to talk them into giving them to us, but they would only give us a glass each. We gave up satisfied to have taken care of ourselves, but we ran into John, and he came in and sweet talked us all three pichers. We returned triumphantly to my room. It was awesome. The party went on until about 3 in the morning (keep in mind the reception ended around 10 or 10:30ish). It was awesome to get to talk to everybody and have a good time with them. At the end it had devolved into dancing and jumping on the beds like crazy little monkeys. It felt like we were 2 again, but it was fun. We really did party like rock stars, except we didn't destroy anything (thank goodness).

Wow, I just got distracted because Emily sent me an email link to all the pictures she took at the wedding. I'm going to have to share it here link and put it in my sidebar. I have to upload my pictures and share them here too. That might have to wait until tomorrow.

Anyways, the after party wa a lot of fun, and I'm sad that Jenny and Darby did so much work to bring all of their friends together, and then they didn't really get to hang out with us. It felt almost wrong being there, toasting them repeatedly in our room, and knowing they couldn't join in on the fun. Of course they were having fun of their own! Anyways, after the party finally died around three, I had sobered up, and I wound up taking Esther and Jeran to Taco Cabana. They are both Yankees now (Jeran's in Wisconsin and Esther is in Ohio). We hung out until 4 or 4:30 and then went to bed. I set my alarm for 8 in the morning, and I woke up hungover and realizing that class was starting at that moment. I knew they posted lectures online so I wasn't worried. Esther and I packed up our stuff, and tried desperately to find one of Jenny or Darby's family members to drop of the items from the reception (and Jenny's change of clothing) that we were in charge of so we could leave. We couldn't find them anywhere so we wrote a note and slipped it under Jenny and Darby's hotel room door, and were heading down to the front desk to drop the items off when Jenny opened her door to us. Darby was gone returning their rental get-away car, and she looked like she wanted to talk. She pulled us into their bridal suite and we chatted for a bit and showed her some of the pictures I took. Then Darby came back, and we tried to split fast so the couple could be together. The last thing I'm sure they wanted was to chill with us in their bridal suite. It felt weird going in there, but Jenny seemed to want us there while she was alone at least. So Esther and I went down to have breakfast in the lobby, and while we were there Tim and Laura walked in. We got to have breakfast with them. About halfway through Darby and Jenny came in, they sat at a table next to us and it we had a strange mix of trying to give them their privacy and chatting them up. They seemed happy. We finally checked out, and I felt awful ripping Esther away from our friends, but she had no other way to get back to my apartment and then to the airport tonight besides me. I had to go to class in the afternoon (we had our first neuroscience lab and 2 quizzes already...I thought today was a federal holiday...why did we have class, and why the heck did we have 2 QUIZES on the first day of class...back to the harsh reality of med school). Anyways, I dropped Esther off at my place and found a non-strapless bra to wear to school (I forgot to pack one, so I had to wear the uncomfortable strapless one that went with my dress all night...not fun). Then I headed off to class. By the time I left it was about 11:40, and our last morning lecture was about to end, and then we were supposed to have an hour for lunch. I decided to walk all the way there because I was in such a euphoric state I wanted to delay getting to school, and have some time to try and soak in the events of the previous 48 hours. It was fantastic. I got there right as lecture was letting out and immediately saw Melanie who I sat and talked with while she ate lunch. She got engaged over New Years Eve! She was so cute and so excited about it. Her ring hadn't been sized yet, so she wasn't wearing it but as soon as she saw me and we sat down in the leather lounge, she pulled the ring out of her backpack and casually slipped it on her finger watching me closely to see if I noticed. It was funny, and very cute! I hadn't seen her that excited about anything ever (and probably rightfully so). Man. I'm happy for all of these people, but it seems like everyone in their dog is getting married. It's starting to scare me. Oh well, I'm happy for all of them! Mazle Tov, and all of that!

So after completing the 4 hour long neuro lab and it's two associated quizzes, I rushed home to take Esther to the airport. It was very sad taking her to the airport. We've had a few too many of the teary airport goodbyes. This time, we just engaged each other in a non-emotional conversation up until the moment she had to leave. I think perhaps we were both trying to keep it light so we wouldn't have any more tear filled moments. I listened to the dance music station she had picked out all the way back to my apartment. A small tribute to her and her awesomeness. Although we disagree on so many things, music, politics, and favorite places and ways to "go out," she's still one of my best friends in the world. She's fantastic, and I love her. She's hotstuff! Now I'm here all alone for the first time in about 5 or 6 days, and it amazingly feels kinda lonely. I guess that is why I'm spending so much time on this journal entry. That and the fact that it was an amazing few days filled with amazing people, and hosted by an amazing couple also helped fuel my desire to chronicle my experiences. All I can do now is sit here and slowly come down from the high it gave me, and think about how awesome all of my friends are.

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig

2005-12-30T18:27:00.000-08:00

So, Mona asked me for a back in Houston post so here it is. I'm back in Houston now--duh. I had a crappy (quite literally) car ride home with Jake and Elwood. Elwood not only threw up twice (he normally only does it once), but he also took a huge crap. He missed his little portable kitty litter box when he did it too. I had to stop and scoop all the poop out of his crate and wipe him down at some roadside gas station. It was awful. I didn't even have disposable towels, so I had to bag up bath towels covered in shit to take them home to wash them. I had the windows open all the way back to try and air the car out. BAD TIMES.

However, once I got to Houston it's been pretty much nothing but good times.
I had a fairly nice relaxing evening when I got back in town. I sat by myself the whole time. It was fantastic. I didn't have to talk to anyone, do anything, or think about anything. That's all I really wanted for Christmas (but the Tivo I set up that night was also quite nice!) So yeah, I stayed up until almost 4 in the morning screwing around with my Tivo setup, and then realized I had to be at the airport at 8:30 to pick up Ms. Esther. She is SO fantastic. She's staying with me until the wedding. We've had good times hanging out for the past few nights, even though we can't get anybody else to hang out with us except for Jenny and Darby. I feel too guilty hanging out with them so much. They are so busy with stuff for their wedding (in only 2 days!)

I hope I'm being a good enough host for Esther. She's wanted to go out to clubs and get "all hoed out" to hit on guys every night she's been here, but we keep putting it off. I'm afraid she's disappointed with her trip, and it's my fault for not being as excitable or ready to go out as I used to be. Of course it doesn't help that nobody else is around to help get the party started either. I feel bad for getting mad at people who aren't around or won't hang out, but I'm just so disappointed for Esther that I can't help it. I would be crushed if I was in her shoes, and it hurts me to know she's upset. I'm trying to help her out, but I'm not much of a party starter. However, I've been known to pass a good time once somebody gets me going. Heck, I'm a party starter when it's at my place. I think that's why I was volunteered to have the New Years party. It takes a lot more to get me to go out, but I'm glad to provide a good time for other people in my own place. I hope I'm not ruining her fun memories of Texas too much. Oh well. We are still having a good time during the days. We're eating like queens, we've been to a movie, we've shopped for a party we are throwing tomorrow night, we've caught up and hung out a lot, and she's seen a lot of Houston. I've missed her so much. I love her. She's hotstuff.

So the wedding is on Sunday. It should be fun to see everybody again. I feel like I know all of the guests that will be there that are our age. I either went to high school with them (and Darby), or I went to college with them, or I met them through Jenny since I moved to Houston. Tomorrow is the rehearsal and I feel like a bad friend because both Esther and I forgot what time we are supposed to show up! I know when and where the rehearsal dinner is, but I'm pretty sketchy on the details of the actual rehearsal. Whoops!

It's so weird to be wrapped up in wedding stuff. I don't intend to get married for a very long time, which is probably a good thing since I'm not even in a serious relationship at the moment. I'm really excited for Jenny and Darby because I'm friends with them both separately and together. So I've been asking them all kinds of questions about wedding stuff and it of course comes up in conversation much more frequently as the day approaches. Also, Esther and I went out with Emily and Phillip (who are engaged) tonight. Esther is a bridesmaid in their wedding too, so they were talking about wedding stuff all night too. It's crazy. It's like a whole different world where love exists and happy couples and celebrations abound. Much different than the singles world that gets discussed when Esther and I are alone. The singles world is a dark place filled with apprehension, insecurity, and attempts to hide loneliness. I'd like to find a balance somewhere between the two worlds. Esther is right. I am a realist.

Well, it's almost time for her to wake up from her nap. I have been wracking my brain to think of a club to take her to tonight. I know she really wants to go dancing. That's not my thing, so I've only been when we have a block party at a club, or when I've been taken to a gay club by my school friends. She wants to go to a straight club, so I'm at a loss. I hope this night isn't a disappointment for her. I've got to force myself to dance, which will be hard to do since I'm the DD. We'll have a good time though. We have to! It's single ladies night out! Hopefully we can convince someone to come out with us. We'll see. I better go. I know Esther's alarm is about to go off! Time for fun times again!

Reasons I hate Dallas

2005-12-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

There are in no particular order, and I may be adding to the list as my trip home continues, but I have to get out some sort of rant about how much Dallas sucks! (esp North Dallas Suburbs)

1. Traffic. There are tons of cars that drive crazily. They are all either fancy SUVs, Lexuses, Infinitis, Acuras, BMWs, Mercedes, or other such luxury latest/greatest cars. They all think they are in a bigger hurry than you and that they own the road.
2. Consumerism. Everything is about shopping, what you have, what you want, and how what you have is better than the next guy. You even have to get dressed up to go to the freakin' grocery store. Come on people. There are more important things in life than keeping up with the Joneses.
3. Lack of Diversity. Everybody is boring old white bread. When you go out, everybody looks the same and acts the same. I think I'm surrounded by Barbie and Ken dolls. Oh, and when you get somewhat close to the part of town that is ethnic (oh no!) people say it "isn't safe," or make inappropriate comments and jokes. Perhaps that's just my bigoted parents...but I've heard others doing the same.
4. Time. Everybody is in a hurry. Whether it's in traffic, in the grocery store, at a restaurant, or some other random place, everybody is in a rush to get out of there and on to the next place. If you want to take time to enjoy the scenery or the roses (or drive the freakin' speed limit and not run lights), you are in trouble. Where has common courtesy gone? The time crunch just goes along with everybody here seeming to think they are the most important person in the world. Slow down people, learn to relax and enjoy yourselves, or at least don't run over those who do!

The above are gripes about the city, particularly North Dallas and areas of Richardson, Plano, and Addison. I've got other more personalized gripes too.

1. Everywhere I go I see somebody I know. Whether it's somebody from my preschool/elementary school era spent on the other side of central, or my junior high/high school era spent on this side of central, I can't avoid seeing people from my past. The grocery store is particularly dangerous, and that's where my mom likes to send me the most on errands. I've already been to 5 different grocery stores in this area, and one of them twice. Typically the people I randomly run into are not the ones I want to see. Ex boyfriends, ex boyfriends of friends, people from my old church...ugh.
2. They don't sell beer or wine in Richardson, or in the area of Dallas where I actually live. I know they sell it in some parts of Dallas proper, and I'm not sure how they get away with not selling it in our area. They also don't sell hard liquor in Plano. You have to drive all the way to Addison to get the hard stuff. That isn't particularly a problem for me, but today I had to drive my mom out there so she could by my dad some scotch. Also, it means there aren't many bars or places to hang out with my friends when we are all in town. We have to drive a ways or invade one of our parents houses to hang out. The suburbs suck.
3. My parents have gotten sucked into the consumerism that pervades this area. They didn't used to be this bad, or perhaps I used to be sucked in too. My mom is under the impression that the more expensive something is, the better it has to be. She doesn't bat an eye at dropping big bucks all over town, and she tries to buy my love or attention sometimes. She then gets mad when I don't want what she is offering or if I don't bend to her will because she forced me to take some expensive gift from her that I didn't want in the first place. For example today, all I wanted to do was spend time with her, and she had to take me to lunch and buy me a car wash. We also went shopping (which I hate), but luckily the stores were so crowded we didn't do much of that. I would have been happy making her a ham sandwich and sitting and talking, playing a game, or watching TV together or something.
3b. My parents have also become people that like to announce how much they paid for something to anybody who will listen. How tasteless, tacky, and when they actually reveal prices it just makes me think how absurd it is that they would actually spend that kind of money on the things they do. I hope I never turn into that. Right now they are ripping all of the carpet out of our house and putting down hardwood floors. I don't know how many people I've been around that they announced the price to, or told about how they didn't mind dropping $X to get these certain extras. I'm of the opinion that if you have the money and want to do something like that, fine. Great, good for you even! Go for it if it is what you want. Just don't make a deal out of it, and never announce prices to people, especially unsolicited. I like to hide things like that whenever I acquire something new or fancy, even the fact that I did acquire something new or fancy. It really isn't anybody elses business. Yeah, I know I'm spoiled, but I try so hard not to be rotten. I hope I succeed at least somewhat.

Okay, I feel like I've been unfair a bit here by listing so many reasons I hate Dallas, without listing any positives. I really do hate this city, at least the area in which my parents live. Christmas time just brings out the worst in this area too. It's crazy that a holiday about love, family, tolerance, etc causes such a frenzy that it brings out exactly the opposite in people. I have also been unfair to my family. They really are a great family. It's just the stress of the holidays and house remodeling that is bringing this out. Or at least bringing out the things that they wouldn't freely admit to anyone about themselves. I guess to be fair I should list reason I like Dallas. I mean, I come back here multiple times a year for a reason, right? Although this is the first time I've been back since I started school.

1. Family. Most of my family lives in Dallas. I really do love my parents and it's always fantastic to come home and stay with them, even if it is just for a day or two. My grandmother lives just several blocks from my parents house. My grandfather lives in a nursing home a few miles away (but I never see him by choice...that's a very long story, and by choosing to not tell it here I'm running the risk of sounding like a bad person...oh well). I have 3 aunts who live here in town and one uncle. Whenever we have family gatherings it's typically at my parent's house. My dad is the patriarch elect of his family (oldest son of 8 kids). I love my family dearly. I have to, nobody else would love us! Ha! We're all nuts. I'm pretty sure Brott doesn't come from the German word for bread, it really means crazy!
2. Friends. I don't know if I actually know anybody who still lives in Dallas, but whenever holidays like this happen, a lot of my old friends come back into town, and it is fantastic to come back here and see them again.

Is it ironic that one of the things I hate the most about Dallas is the people (I don't know), but the only thing that keeps me coming back is the people (that I know and love). Oh well. It's almost Christmas and there will be several family gatherings between now and when I go back to Houston. Hopefully I'll get to see a few friends between now and then too. Other than that I hope to not leave the house at all. As long as I'm here, I'm not out and about and realizing new reasons and depths to which I hate this city.

Just Curious

2005-12-22T15:11:00.000-08:00

I've got a counter on this thing, and the number of visitors is starting to get kind of high. The counter also tracks referring websites. I keep getting tons of direct hits and people referred from Roger's blog. However, there are some that were random google and msn searches and whatnot. I'm starting to get really curious about who is reading this! If you see this entry, please leave me a comment with your name. I'd really appreciate it! Even if you think I don't know you, won't remember you, or I hate your freakin' guts, I'd appreciate knowing who's reading! (And if you don't, I may switch to covert means to see who is reading...yeah, be afraid, ha!) By the way, thanks for stopping by to look at my random, rambling, stream of consciousness entries!

Elwood's gone nucking futs too!

2005-12-15T18:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, Elwood has gone crazy too. He keeps running up to the front door, stretching up on his hind legs, pounding on the doorknob with his paws, staring at me and screaming at the top of his lungs. He's obviously trying to tell me something. I can't tell if it's that he wants me to open the door for him, or he wants me to go out and get off the couch. I've been sitting here for pretty much 3 straight weeks now. I think it's starting to drive him nuts. He's a pretty active cat. The last time he escaped he ran to the doormat at the door across the way from me and started sniffing it. When I picked him up, he dug his claws into the mat and started to hiss! He never hisses at me! I want to know what's going on with him!

Currently he's absconded with my blanket. He's hiding underneath it, and crawling all over the apartment, dragging it along with him as he goes. It looks like the blanket is moving along by itself all over the floor. Every once in awhile, he stops to howl. He doesn't seem to be in pain, so I'm not worried. I think perhaps he has a case of cabin fever. Can cats even get that? I know my weird sleep schedule, feeding schedule for him, and typical inactivity is starting to not only drive me nuts, but him too! Thank goodness it all ends tomorrow. Part of me doesn't want to go out to celebrate. Part of me just wants to come home, be antisocial, and pay attention to my cats. The poor things are getting used to being pretty much ignored. I wonder if Elwood is going to keep up his strange behavior when things return to normal, or if he will go back to his normal routine too? He's such a strange cat, but I think that's why I love him! I'm a sucker for weirdos!

Insanity reaching its zenith

2005-12-15T13:45:00.000-08:00

So before my tests started I made a post saying I wasn't sure what types of crazy I would adopt during these few weeks. I think Im starting to understand. The only thing I've eaten today is a bite of left over pizza. As it sat in my mouth it started to taste like cardboard. I chewed it up halfway and wanted more than anything to spit it back out, but I couldn't let myself do that. So eventually I choked it down. It's weird. I was hungry before that, and now the thought of food is just grossing me out. This is very unlike me. Normally in response to stress I eat--a lot. Even last night, I went out with Shikha to get happy hour sushi. We ordered a shit ton of food, and I was able to eat it then. Unfortunately I was also able to drink the vodka call drink that was on special. I think they forgot the mixer. I don't know what I was doing going out to dinner and having a drink when I still have a final left. I guess I'm just burnt out, and I know I don't have to pass the final to pass the class. This is a terrible way to be. On the upside, I found out I passed the biochem board, with plenty of room to spare. Why was I worried? Now I can temporarily forget biochem, until Step 1 time.

Also, last night, I decided I hate men--not just one man, there are a few at the top of my list. I do however love Jake & Elwood, my brother, and my dad, and I'm fond of a few miscellaneous other people with Y chromosomes. I'm not going to say anything more than this because I swore to myself when I started this blog, I was going to omit all of those aspects of my personal life.

So anyway the revelation that I can't eat is somewhat troublesome for me. I guess it's also going along with my forgetting to drink fluids. I'm a mess. I have less than 24 hours of studying left, thank goodness. Unfortunately I have a whole weekend of shenanigans planned that might keep me from getting the rest I need. I just want to wall myself in my apartment, not talk to anyone (except perhaps some understanding girlfriends), and sleep. I think I have gone off the deep end, just like my pre-exam prediction. Oh, life wouldn't be as interesting without the temporary insanity, right? Ugh.

Quick Happy Update!

2005-12-13T16:14:00.000-08:00

I just checked my block 3 grades online! Apparently they decided to be really nice to all of the gross anatomy practical protesters. My grade went up 14 points! I couldn't believe my eyes! I went from failing horribly to passing! WTF? Thanks vigilant classmates--and overly ambitious profs who tagged 4 things that were so ambiguous they gave every answer credit! That's a first! Apparently after the test professors and pedagogues were apologizing to students! I missed that, but I like the end result! It looks like they had to give us the points. The post protest class average is already dangerously close to failing, and it has a very narrow standard deviation. I'm guessing if they hadn't given those questions back, most of the class would have failed the test! Whoops!

Also, in a previous post I talked about how there was a picture of me getting my white coat in the biannual publicity magazine for the school. It's online now, so I'm going to put a link here and in my sidebar--go to page 3! I'm famous! Ha!

Specialty Quiz

2005-12-13T12:46:00.000-08:00

So, out of pure curiosity and an attempt to delay studying for my devo final tomorrow, I decided to take a specialty/personality quiz that some of my friends from school referred me to. The results have me slightly disturbed. I'll post them here. It's #1 that has me the most bothered. Going into med school I swore I didn't want anything to do with pediatrics or surgery. Most of the surgeries wound up at the bottom of my list, but um...#1? Maybe Melanie and Shikha are right. I'm going to wind up being a pediatrician with 10 kids. As Shakespeare said (at least I think it was him), "the lady doth protest too much." Anyways, here's my list.

1. pediatrics
2. med oncology
3. dermatology
4. general internal med
5. physical med & rehabilitation
6. psychiatry
7. gastroenterology
8. radiology
9. occupational med
10. aerospace med
11. rheumatology
12. family practice
13. radiation oncology
14. anesthesiology
15. nephrology
16. hematology
17. obstetrics/gynecology
18. preventive med
19. colon & rectal surgery
20. neurology
21. nuclear med
22. plastic surgery
23. emergency med
24. endocrinology
25. cardiology
26. urology
27. pathology
28. orthopaedic surgery
29. ophthalmology
30. otolaryngology
31. neurosurgery
32. thoracic surgery
33. infectious disease
34. allergy & immunology
35. pulmonology
36. general surgery

At least my top ranked surgery is colorectal surgery! Also, the fact that general surgery is listed last makes sense too. After shadowing a general surgeon the summer after my junior year of college I decided I didn't want to be a doctor at all. I decided not to apply to med school after seeing what he did, and how he interacted with patients and other medical personnel. It really bothered me that I got paired up with "the nicest" surgeon in the hospital, and he was still the biggest dick/asshole/bastard that I had ever met. At least I finally realized that was just the surgeon mindset, and I didn't have to be like that if I went into medicine. I guess I should thank him. His insenstive attitude is what caused me to decide to work before deciding what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. That was the best decision I ever made.

Also, I can't believe oncology is high on my list. I guess that's what I get for being "comfortable with my own mortality." My top 10 make sense if you get rid of the top 3. I'm not too into some of them, but they make sense. This worries me. I guess you can't put too much stock into these things. Esp since I still haven't had any patient contact, and I'm considering geriatrics as my most likely field right now--it wasn't even an option!

Anyways, I guess the fact that pediatrics came out on top means that I shouldn't totally discard it. It's easy to distance yourself and be able to treat them if you think of them as things instead of people (like I do). But that's not why I want to be a doctor. It's weird. I have such a disconnect. I love people. I love talking to them, listening to them, helping them. But I cannot stand children. It seems like people need to be about 18 before I feel like I can communicate with them effectively--even if they are severely impaired mentally. It's something about kids...they just creep me out! Oh well, perhaps I should just take the pediatrics thing as a hint that I shouldn't blow off the upcoming devo final like I did with my histo final yesterday. I gave up my chance to high pass the class (consciously) becasue I preferred talking to my friends and watching tv. I could possibly high pass devo too, but only if I get serious. Hmm...do I have it in me to finish this long road and reach one of the specialties I just tested for, and if I do will I be any good? We'll see!

27 random thoughts

2005-12-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

My mind is spinning right now. I have to do another one of the long list entries because it's hard to find a way to connect everything in a way that would make sense to anybody reading this. Here I go.

1. I feel sick. I don't know if it's because I'm only eating crap (mostly sugar), or if it's because I'm not drinking enough fluids, or if I'm not sleeping enough, or if I actually caught some illness/disease.
2. I'm terrified about something looming over my head.
3. I'm pissed off at somebody because of the thing looming over my head.
4. I'm worried that I'm going to screw up my tests because I haven't really studied all weekend.
5. I'm ecstatic that I'm talking with Cristin again! I'm also super happy for her and what's going on in her life right now!
6. I'm in love with Jake and Elwood. The two best cats in the universe...they think they can swim! Ha! No more baths for me!
7. I'm pissed off at myself for not studying enough, but I'm enjoying the small breaks from studying that I've been taking too much to stop.
8. Esther is coming into town soon, and in exchange for staying with me while she's here, she's bringing me glow in the dark and flavored condoms from Planned Parenthood (where she works!) Cristin and I are $50 friends, but it doesn't always take $50. I've got Jenny's measurements and I'm going to go and buy her sexy lingerie and toys. Vanessa and I had a long conversation about vaginas the other day. Are my girlfriends turning into more than just girlfriends? Ha!
9. I'm excited about what lies ahead, and looking forward to what might develop post finals week--but I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. Is that vague enough?
10. I'm looking forward to Jenny's batchelorette party.
11. I need to get my dress altered for Jenny & Darby's wedding.
12. I'm scared that I'm too lazy to ever be a good doctor.
13. I went drinking with a bunch of law students who just finished their first year, and they surprised me with talk of how much they "respect" medical students. I'm sure it was the alcohol talking.
14. The further I go in school, the more in awe I am of it all, and the more convinced I am that I will either not make it through, or I'll wind up being a bad doctor.
15. I've cried for no reason almost every day for the past 2 weeks. It has to be the stress.
16. My uterus feels like it's about to explode, and now that I know what a uterus really looks like, it's hard to imagine that much pain coming from something so small, shiny, and harmless looking.
17. I'm going back on the pill tonight, so hopefully this is my last painful period for awhile. By the way, if you are reading this Chris...it's a combination pill meaning it stops ovulation, it doesn't just prevent implantation.
18. I've been having a conversation with Chris on his blog about abortion. I'm pro-choice he isn't. I hate arguing, so I'm probably going to drop it as soon as I can.
19. I need to cut my hair. It's longer than it's ever been, and it's starting to look pretty ragged.
20. I wish I could make myself study.
21. I wish I could make myself stop eating cheesy poofs.
22. I don't know why I haven't erased the biochem from my markerboard yet. Perhaps I should have a ceremony when tests are over.
23. Sometimes, although I hate to admit it, I think if I just had a hug, everything would be alright.
24. Tonight was my mom and dad's 34th wedding anniversary. They are so cute!
25. I'm a bad daughter. I don't go home or call home enough, but I think about my family and how much I love them every day. That's not a substitute for telling them though, is it?
26. I hadn't done laundry except for my scrubs and jeans since early November. When I finally got down to just having the thong and g-string Cristin gave me for my 22nd birthday I decided to take action and do laundry, rather than subject myself to that pain and discomfort. Now all my clean laundry is sitting on the floor of my bathroom all wrinkled. I'm going to have to do it again. Ugh.
27. I just want to go to bed, pet Jake until I fall asleep, and listen to music...but I still have 200 pages of histo to read. So much for high passing it. At least I only need a 23 to pass!

I think I'm going to go throw up--too much sugar and stress. It's time to end this entry.

Aches and Pains

2005-12-10T23:16:00.000-08:00

Oh no! I think I am getting sick! I thought I was going to make it out of my three test weeks totally healthy! I screwed up! I went to bed last night incredibly dehydrated, and when I woke up, I felt like total ass. Yeah, I was dumb...I was trying to cut out caffeine from my daily beverage regimen, and I forgot to replace it with regular beverages. I think I had like a glass of water all day, and then 3 alcoholic beverages. Stupid, stupid, stupid! So yeah, when I woke up, my nose was stuffy, my throat hurt, and my whole body ached. Unfortunately I had to hide it. When I got a home this morning, I slurped down about 4 glasses of water and then laid down again. Well, that was a bad idea. I spent the rest of the afternoon in and out of the restroom and in the bed. I went over to Roger and Christina's tonight for a Christmas party/movie watching thing. I wasn't able to concentrate on my books because I hurt so badly, so I figured it couldn't do any harm. It was fun...but once the lights went out and they turned on the movie, I just sat in the corner rubbing my sore swollen lymph nodes. Unfortunately I now can name every node that was hurting me. It's my posterior cervical, occipital, supraclavicular, axillary, and superficial inguinal nodes. Don't worry, I was in public, so I didn't rub the axillary (breast area) or the superficial inguinal nodes (inner thigh) nodes there. Also, it's the beginning of that time of the month for me so other areas of my body ached too. I'm a mess right now. I'm sitting here trying to drink as much water as I can (but not as fast as I did this morning), and sucking on cold-eze drops. I hope I can make this go away. If I feel this bad or worse this coming week, I don't know if I'll be able to study! This sucks! At least I'm not stuffy any more. I just ache...everywhere. I guess it's time to drink more water and suck on a few more drops and hope I can get myself to at least feel good enough to fall asleep tonight!

Biochem Stinks!

2005-12-09T00:11:00.000-08:00

So tired....can't study...can't sleep. Ugh. I'm terrified about the biochem final tomorrow, but I can't make myself study for it. I'm only 190 pages into the BRS (out of 350). I still have to cover lipid metabolism, nitrogen metabolism, molecular endocrinology, biochemical functions of tissues and their clinical implications. Ugh! I better not fail that test! I don't want to remediate biochem! I want to kiss it goodbye tomorrow! I'm so not a chemist! I guess I shouldn't waste my time blogging right now, but I'm past the point of being able to think and I'm so hyped up on sugar and caffeine I don't think I can sleep. I hope I don't have a repeat of my undergrad experience with Keebler's Soft Batch cookies! That's pretty much all I've eaten today. When I did that before my physio final in undergrad I wound up puking about an hour before the test. What a confidence builder, huh? Oh well. I guess I'll go harass some people on IM, send out an email or two, and hope I'm tired enough to sleep a bit so I can get up and study some more before the test tomorrow. Thank goodness it's an afternoon test! Once it is over I'm in the clear. No danger of failing the other classes! Yipee! But I'm so close to high passing two of them, I know I'll stress out over them...but wait...I actually like those classes, so will I really stress about it? Hmm...no more writing. Thank god all my tests are Multiple choice.

Now I'll have to get my kicks from FAT!

2005-12-07T21:29:00.000-08:00

So, I'm finished with all of my block 3 tests, and my ICM midterm. I'm currently passing everything, and I got a BIG surprise today when I found out I did so well on the devo test that I'm now barely high passing the class! I was doing okay before, but I didn't think I had hope of actually making it to the high pass zone! So if I don't screw up the histo and devo finals I might actually do better than just pass everything! The only final I'm really worried about is Biochemistry. It's the board final/shelf test...whatever you want to call it. We weren't taught biochemistry in the board style fashion. Instead, they decided to combine the med school biochem class with the first year biochemistry/cellular metabolism grad students. So we got stuff presented to us in a grad school format instead of a clinical format. Of course the final is a clinical final. Oh, and we have to pass the final or we fail the class, no matter what our grade was going into it. Suck! Apparently it isn't that hard to pass. Everyone who was already passing the course going into the final last year apparently passed the final, but I don't want to be the person who is passing the class this year who screws up that trend. I'm passing, but not by an incredibly comfortable margin. Did I mention I'm not much of a chemist? Ugh.

So tonight after the hilarity of the ICM midterm (the answers for the last 5 out of 60 questions were actually written in on the last page, Ha!), I came home and tried to start studying for Biochem on Friday. That's going to consist of reading the 350 pages of the BRS (board review series book). Hey, it's better than the 800 or so syllabus pages that I've already been tested over, and these are more focused on what the board final is going to test. I of course got distracted because I don't like biochem. Somebody sent out songs to help us "study," and I got the biggest kick out of the one about glucose (sung to the tune of sugar, sugar). I'm going to post the link here and on my sidebar. Here are some highlights:

You are my favorite fuel from the blood-born substrate pool
You are sweeter than a woman's kiss because I need you for glycolysis
I just can't believe the way my muscles take you in, all it takes is a little bit of insulin to upregulate GLUT 4.
You help me make ATP when my predators are chasing me
I just can't believe the way my muscles break you down, my glycogen is almost gone
A few more seconds and I'll be rigor mortise bound, acidocis done me wrong
I'm swimming in lactate baby
I used you up and you left me flat, now I'll have to get my kicks from fat

Okay, that's pretty much the whole song...but it makes me smile, which is a big accomplishment when we're talking about biochem type things. It's hilarious! Science dorks are cool! Especially musical science dorks. I probably only think that because I classify myself as a musical science dork, ha!

Anyways, I shouldn't waste my time updating here, but I really don't' want to study. All I need to do is not get in the lowest 7% of the nation, and I pass. Hopefully there are a bunch of people required to take the test that don't care and purposefully bomb it! Oh well, time to go study some more! I bet I'll be IMing, blogging, emailing a lot between now and the test...I just can't bring myself to do it. I'll probably regret it when I'm taking biochem again next year. Ugh!

Sometimes you forget

2005-12-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

I just had a strange experience. I have been locked in my apartment all weekend studying anatomy for the Block 3 written and practical tests I'm taking tomorrow. At lunch time today I went through the last of my Thanksgiving leftovers, and so I was out of food come dinner time. I decided to order a pizza so I wouldn't have to leave the apt at all. I scheduled it to be delivered at 9:00 so I could watch Grey's Anatomy without feeling too guilty.

Well, the pizza came right on schedule and I had Grey's Anatomy on TV and all of my anatomy books spread out all over the place. Of course the pen the delivery guy gave me didn't work, and Elwood ran out the door while I was figuring that out. I had to run into my apartment to grab a functional pen, and then go grab Elwood. I was so distracted by that activity I didn't notice the look on the delivery guy's face. When I grabbed the cat and handed him the signed receipt he stopped shook my hand, and said, "You are studying to be a doctor. God bless you." He looked fairly moved by the realization I was a medical student, and it looked like he was about to cry.

Sometimes you forget. You get so wrapped up in the little things involved in studying, and stupid little school-type games you have to play to stay sane, that you forget what you are actually doing...how much it means to people...the amount of respect that the average person has for you just by virtue of what you chose to study. It's humbling when something like that happens. I don't know if I can live up to the expectations society in general seems to have for me. It's a lot of pressure. I guess the best I can do is to stop writing in my blog and get back to studying for my anatomy tests.

3 down 9 to go

2005-12-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

So in an effort to procrastinate a bit in the middle of my 3 week long 12 test marathon, I decided to fool around with my blog a little bit. I added some links to my sidebar (which you should totally check out!) I'm also going to post my exam schedule. I don't know why anybody reading this would really care about my schedule, but for some reason writing it down in multiple places in a to do list form makes me feel a little better. So here it goes.

November 29--Last Day of Class
December 1--Biochemistry Block 3 Test
December 2--Histology Block 3 Practical
December 2--Histology Block 3 Written Test
December 5--Gross Anatomy Block 3 Written Test
December 5--Gross Anatomy Block 3 Practical
December 6--Developmental Anatomy Block 3 Test
December 7--Introduction to Clinical Medicine Midterm
December 9--Biochemistry Board Final
December 12--Histology Practical Final
December 12--Histology Written Final
December 14--Developmental Anatomy Final
December 16--Gross Anatomy Board Final

I've already gotten through the Biochem and Histology Block 3 tests, and I'm still passing those courses (High Passing Histo!!!) I don't know how I'm going to get through the other nine and come out passing them all and with a smile on my face, but it's got to be done. At least I haven't gotten that wound up yet. I've been more relaxed for the tests I just took than I think I have ever been for a test before (well at least since I was an underclassman in college). Let's see if I can keep it up, not get sick (which will be a first for finals time for me), and pass them all.

Oh, and if you really do want to look at my links, you should check out the link to the First Semester Slide Show that I put up. Go to about minute 3:15 to see a funny video of a kickball match, and about minute 8:15 to see a very inspirational speech from our gross anatomy course director. Or if you just wanna watch it all, I think it's fairly funny (but you may want to skip the picture part before time 3:15).

Oh, and I just found out that I'm on page 2 of our school's biannual publicity magazine. They put a picture of me getting my white coat in for the white coat ceremony article. Awesome! When this edition comes online I'll put a up link to it. In the meantime I just picked up a hardcopy of it to send home to my parents.

Anyways, I should probably start studying a little more. I need to spend some serious time with the webanatomy radiology site and with brother Netter. My anatomy practical is going to be awful!

Gray's Anatomy (the book, not the hit show)

2005-11-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness. Why is it that Grey's anatomy (the hit show not the book) seems to parallel my life every week? Every episode either touches on some personal issue in my life or on something I just learned about in school, sometimes both. It's nuts! It's my new favorite TV show ever! I always can make time for it, even when it's the day before a test and I should be studying.

Speaking of studying, I'm going to have to do an assload of that the next few weeks. I've got tests starting on Thursday with only the weekends and one day a week off until December 16. How am I going to be able to cope? We'll see. Perhaps I can just set up a few well placed very effective study breaks. Med school seems to be all about learning how to binge and purge effectively. We binge on knowledge and studying, and then purge it out of our systems by binging on alcohol, partying, and other such activities, which we immediately start purging from our systems again to binge on knowledge. (For those of you afraid of the next generation of doctors, don't worry...the study binges last for months while the party binges last for a weekend). It is really a vicious cycle, and it's much crazier than I ever imagined. I guess when you ramp up the expectations you ramp up the insanity, and insanity expresses itself in different ways in different people. We'll see as the weeks go on exactly what brand(s) of crazy I adopt. Oh well...as Meredith just said, "it only gets problematic when you let your emotions get in the way." Hopefully I can keep myself from getting too distracted or emotionally involved in this upcoming round of tests. That's how the insanity reaches its zenith. With all of that being said, it's time to go and start preparing for the last two class days of my first semester of medical school. Time sure is flying by quickly.

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T14:02:00.000-08:00

This has to be the most sad Thanksgiving ever. I miss my family! I decided to stay here in Houston this year because I'm freaked out about my marathon 3 weeks of tests coming up, and I wanted some extra time to study. But I didn't count on how lonely it would feel to actually stay here and do it. I love my family. I always get the biggest kick out of my extended family. They are all slightly crazy and quite hilarious. I just got off of a hour long phone conversation with them where I was passed around the room from person to person. I caught them right after they finished eating lunch, so luckily everybody was still there.

It started out with my mom dominating the phone for a while, but then she passed me off to my grandma who was slightly confused but sounded very happy. Everybody was talking and laughing so loud in the background that we could hardly hear each other. Then she passed me off to my dorkbutt brother who suprisingly had a lot to say to me even though I saw him just a couple of days ago. Then I got to talk to my Uncle Bill. He's a nutjob! I love him! He's always cracking one liners, and for some reason decided I was his favorite niece/nephew when he found out that I played the saxophone (well) in high school and college. He's been a jack of many trades, but got his undergrad in String Bass performance from the New England Conservatory. I think I was the only other slightly musical person in the family so he latched onto that and won't let it go! He's awesome...All his Mafia jokes and silly voices. It's difficult not to laugh so hard you cry when you talk to him. Then I got passed off to my Dad. He got more emotional than I've ever heard him get (except when drinking...ha!) He never talks on the phone that much, but he kept me on for about 30 minutes telling me how Thanksgiving is his favorite holiday and he loves getting the family together. We always have Thanksgiving at our house because he's kind of the patriarch elect (oldest son of 8 kids). He got very sappy talking about how great our family is and how happy he is that we can have fun get-togethers on holidays instead of the stereotypical fighting, anger, and alcohol abuse. I agree with him! I think I'm the most like my father out of anybody in the family, so I love it when he finally opens up to me and talks. We both have a problem with that sometimes (believe it or not). Anyways after talking to him for a while I got passed off to my Aunt Betty, Aunt Susan, Cousin Nicholas (who is engaged and had his fiancee with him?!?!?), and my Aunt Claudette. It sounds like they had a pretty good turnout. Five out of eight siblings and 2 out of 9 cousins. I'm still sad I wasn't there. Usually I'm the only cousin representative at these things because they amuse me so much, but le sigh...I couldn't be there today.

Wow, I didn't mean to go on so much about my family. It's just sad to be here alone right now, knowing they are all together having a great time up in Dallas. I want to be with them! I think part of my fasination with the elderly stems from my fascination with my own family and relationships. I feel like if you learn as much as you can from those that went before you, it can only make life more fun and more interesting. I miss my family observation/laughing time. I can't wait until Christmas. Uncle Bob will actually be in town too! Home from Iraq for the 2nd time! He's a big character too. That's what I have to do, get excited for Christmas and stop thinking about what I'm missing at Thanksgiving! Yay! I'll see them all for Christmas in less than a month! Yay! I love my family!!!

2005-11-23T05:00:00.000-08:00

So, something about birthdays always makes me nostalgic. I decided to go back to my old blog which I started on the day after my 22 birthday. It seems like my life situation has changed a lot since then, but my outlook on life or at least birthdays has stayed somewhat the same. Its kind of weird thinking only 3 years ago I was still in undergrad. So many things have happened since then. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. It seems like every year I make at least one birthday post declaring the coming year will be the best year yet, and pretty much every year I'm right. I think the same thing will be true of 25. We'll see how it goes! So in reverence to my birthday posts of the past, I'll repost some of the highlights...Oh heck, I'll just repost the whole things!

22nd Birthday
Well, I've wanted to get one of these journals for awhile, but I've just been too lazy. Maybe if I have this as an outlet, I won't have such weird away messages anymore. Let's see how it goes.So, yesterday was my 22nd birthday. It is scary times. I'm getting old. I know that 22 isn't necessarily old, but it is no longer really young. I still think of myself as 13, and some people still tell me that I act like I am 2...but we won't get into my feelings on being compared to the wee ones here. It seems like 22 year olds have to be responsible and mature. Like it is the beginning of adulthood. I mean, before I turn 23 I'm gonna have a real job (hopefully) and my parents are no longer going to be supporting me. I'm really nervous about this job thing. I've been in school my whole life, and I plan to go back after a few years of research experience. How do I conduct myself in a non-school setting? And does the bad case of senioritis I have now (D is for diploma), mean that I might never want to go back to school after I leave? This is scary, scary times.

You know what else is scary? I was thinking about a conversation I had with my best friend, Stacy, when we were about 7 or 8. We were planning out our lives (something silly young girls do), and we decided that we were going to be married by the time we were 22 and we were going to have kids by the time we were 26. Yikes! I better get moving if I'm gonna accomplish that before the end of the next year--I can't even get a boyfriend! Actually...I think we were a little hasty in our planning, for I don't even want to have a serious boyfriend for a long long time let a lone a husband--NEVER KIDS! ew.

Anyways, onto the good things about having a birthday. I LOVE MY FRIENDS! I don't know if I can ever let everyone know how much it meant to me to see them on my birthday. This year was the first time I got to spend my birthday on the Trinity campus, every other year I've been home for Thanksgiving. I was a little concerned about what it would be like to celebrate with just friends and no family, but it was awesome. We didn't do a whole lot, just dinner and hanging out in my room, but just the presence of everybody made me happier than I think I have been in a long long time. I really do love my friends. I love every single person that I saw yesterday. I do mean this, I'm not just being silly or over-dramatic. After spending almost 4 years with you guys, you have become like a new family. Well, enough of the sappy stuff. I just wanted to say it was a really good birthday thanks in part to a lot of really good friends! Also, birthdays are good because it brings old friends back into contact with you. I got several IMs from people that I hadn't heard from in a long long time. It was a good feeling to wake up and see an IM from someone like "Bob" (he knows who he is) wishing me a happy birthday. It was also awesome to hear from people like Esther, who is apparently on her way to San Antonio over her spring break. How cool is that? Not to mention the phone call I got from Sara at dinner. I really do love that girl. Who else could I spend a month with in Europe without anybody else's company, and never even have a tiny fight? I'm an airplane....Mega-ti, Mega-ty, Mega-tu...Where do you stick your spatula? Oh the good times. I've really missed Sara, and I wish I was better at keeping in touch. I do try...but not hard enough. Another big surprise was an email from Cindy...a good friend from the age of 2. We've fallen out of contact as of late, but apparently she's at Baylor now, and I'm hoping to get back into contact with her.

Well, enough of my ramblings...but birthdays really do make you think. The best thing they make you think about are friends, and how important relationships are. My hope is that even if I do fall out of contact with my friends, that we will always have the ability to pick up the pieces and get back together. The worst thing is getting older...but the older you get the more friends you've made, and the better they make you feel. Too deep...time to stop....but not without a listing of most memorable birthdays.

4--I got my cabbage patch kid, Patty Grace, she stayed with me for a long time.
6--Celebration in Disney World. Cinderella gave me a present from Prince Charming while we were in her Castle.
7--Playing games that my mom created, fun times.
10--Party at Whistle Stop, rats everywhere. I miss Ms. Sandra.
16--I was not only able to drive, but my birthday was on band homecoming, which was always the best dance of the year. Chris Maute...enough said.
18--I went driving around collecting lotto tickets, porn, cigarettes, and spray paint with Sara...good times.
21--Duh
22--You've already heard way too much about this one.

23rd Birthday
Thanks for the fun!
Yesterday was fun. I really enjoyed my birthday celebration. I really appreciate everyone that helped me celebrate. Seriously...I've been really down lately, and all I wanted for my birthday was to spend time with my friends. So, every single person that turned out really made my day. I really can't stress that point enough. Your mere presence made me happier than I have been in a long time. I just wanted to make that point known. I have some of the best friends in the world. There, I said it! Thanks again.

24th Birthday
????? I could have sworn I updated on my 24th birthday, but apparently not!

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and post this bad-boy and perhaps I can do a quick 25th synopsis after the day is totally over! Oh memories. I read a few other blog entries when going back to find the birthday ones...I was so silly! I can't imagine what I'll think looking back even further down the road.

Surprise Party!

2005-11-20T21:36:00.000-08:00

It's official. I've got the best friends ever! Last night I thought I was going to be going out for a night on the town with Kristi, Jenny, and Christina. Just the ladies cutting loose. Well, instead they used that as a ploy to get me to a surprise party! Those crazy schladies! We met up for dinner at Hungry's in the Village. I though the three schladies were all coming to my apartment to meet up and go there together. Well, Kristi and Jenny showed up and we sat and waited for Christina for like 30 minutes before I finally called her. Well, she told me she misunderstood and thought we were going to be meeting at the restaurant and she was already there. So Kristi and I piled into Jenny's car and headed over there. When we got there I thought I saw Prashant's car, but I don't really know what he drives so I didn't think much about it. Then we parked right next to Roger's car. That was kind of weird, but I figured perhaps Christina had just taken his car instead of hers. Then we walked into the restaurant and Christina, Roger, Jyothi, Prashant, and Mona were all sitting at a table waiting for us! It was quite a surprise to see them all there! Jenny and Kristi don't even really know them they've just met Christina once because of a ladies night I had at my place a few months ago! I can't believe they pulled it together and got two separate groups of friends in on it! I heard it was all Christina's idea! She's fantastic! Very devious, but in an awesomely caring and friendly way!

So we hung out at the restaurant for awhile just talking and eating and whatnot. Then the waiter came out with a cake that said "Happy Birthday Becky" on it! They'd gone out and gotten me a cake! Everyone sang happy birthday to me, and I'm sure I turned bright red as the whole restaurant turned to stare at me. It was kind of cool! 25 candles sure make a lot of smoke and fire! I think that's a sign I'm getting a little older, huh? Even with all of my saxophone training, I couldn't blow out all the candles in one breath...So sad. I'll put a picture of my suprised face with the cake in here somewhere! Anyways we hung out at the restaurant for a little while longer. Our waiter was fairly cute. You could tell he was nervous coming up to us, and at the end he asked us how old we were because he thought we were about his age. Then it turns out he's only 21! Ha! Well, 3-4 years isn't that big of a difference, but he sure seemed to think it was!

Oh, and while we were there Roger tried to reveal to me his idea to surprise me! He wanted to find a way to steal my apartment key and make a copy of it. Then he wanted to find a time when he knew I would be out of the house and have everybody come and hide in my closet and jump out at me when I got home! That would have been terrifying! Not so much because they were jumping out at me, but because I'm sure I would have done something embarrassing before they made their presence known! Usually when I'm by myself the first thing I do when I walk in the door is drop to the floor to pet the cats and talk to them for like 5 minutes. My closet is also in my bathroom, so I'm sure if they were in there I would have had to take a big dump or something and they would have heard it all! Yikes! I'm glad Roger didn't find a way to get my key!

After dinner we went to the Taft Street Coffee House. It's a non-profit coffee house that is set up in a church. That made me somewhat uncomfortable. I still get small panic attacks when I go to churches. Being surrounded by their library of Christian books didn't help much. But on the plus side I did get to try Wassail for the first time. It was a little too sweet for my liking, but at least I got a chance to try it. The conversation was fun, but I don't think there is any way I could ever go back there again. I felt too uncomfortable. I need to get over my fear of churches.

After the coffee house Roger, Christina, Jyothi, Prashant, and Mona left us, and Jenny, Kristi and I continued on to The Gingerman in the village. It was fun and a relaxed beer bar type place. It was a nice night and we found a somewhat quiet table outside. We tried to leave to go to another one of the Rice Village bars, but they were all too reminencent of frat parties with all of the preppie guys and girls doing the packed in drunken meat market thing, so before we could even get drinks we decided to leave to go back to the Gingerman. I'm not sure I'm a fan of the Rice Village crowd, but at least it didn't matter at the Gingerman, because I'm a HUGE fan of Jenny and Kristi and it was awesome to get a chance to hang out with the two of them!

All things good things have to come to an end, and unfortunately so did my celebration. However, when I got home Kristi stayed and talked for a little while, and the end of my night was quite fun and eventful. All in all it was a fantastic birthday celebration. It was one of the best nights I've had in a very long time. I got to see most of my friends in Houston, experience a lot of new places and things, as well as have some awesome conversations. It was also awesome watching two groups of friends who don't really know each other get along! I don't know why they wouldn't have gotten along, they are all awesome, accepting, friendly people, and that's why they are my friends!

I love birthday season. After having such a wonderful night last night I got a phone call from my brother right after waking up this morning. He wanted to know when he could take me to dinner for my birthday! It's such a plus having a birthday on a Holiday! You get to celebrate for weeks because nobody is around on the actual day! So Evan took me to Pappadeaux's tonight! He's a fantastic big brother!

Inappropriate!

2005-11-14T13:23:00.000-08:00

We had a very interesting day in developmental anatomy on Friday. We were talking about the development of the genitals, and one of our crazy super feminist professors was giving the lecture. So we talked about the development of the penis, and then she decided to put in a lot of pictures of different developmental disorders that can occur. Developmental is crazy like that. The most disgusting pictures I've seen so far are from that class. Most people get the congenital disorders fixed or just don't survive with them, so we don't get as much crazy stuff in classes describing the adult population.

Anyways, Friday is also the interview day at school, and on interview day the interviewees are taken on a school tour. During that tour, they are always paraded through our classroom and we stop the lecture turn and clap for them. Well, they had fantastic timing on Friday. They came in right when Dr. Rogers started showing us the first in a series of penis developmental anomaly pictures. Any other professor would have at least stopped the lecture or flipped back to the previous slide, but Dr. Rogers got a gleam in her eye and decided to press on the with the lecture and keep flipping through the pictures (nobody ever lectures when the interviewees come through class...She was really trying hard to mess with them!) Anyways, while they were filing through, pictures of things like micropenis and double penis were flashing across the screen (and yes those names are what you think they are). We were all hooting and hollering and basically rolling on the floor not just at the pictures, but at the interviewees and their timing. It was awesome! I could tell some of the interviewees were in shock and were slightly disgusted by the pictures, some were obviously turned off by our laughter, and others were intrigued by it all! I hope that the ones who go the joke and enjoyed it are the ones who will be in the incoming class!

Well, that wasn't the only good part of her lecture. She also decided to slip in a little bit of neuroanatomy into the lecture. She was just getting us ready for next semesters class, and I think she already gave us a good jump on it. I'll include the slide she showed us at the end of this entry. It is totally scientifically accurate!

Anyways, I just had to update on the crazy goings on in Devo. I really wonder what those interviewees thought. Dr. Rogers is awesome!

You know you're in med school when...

2005-11-07T21:14:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in a very long time, but I had such a strange experience today in the lab that I had to write about it. If I don't get it out, I may have some strange dreams tonight. First of all, I was under the impression before I got to the lab, that I was going to be the only one from my group that would show up today. Luckily that was a big misconception and 3 of the 5 of us where there. Today we were supposed to be working on the kidneys, renal arteries, posterior abdominal wall, etc.; however, my group got the bright idea that we'd start on Friday's lab because we are prosecting it. Friday's lab (and the following Monday's lab too) is the Male/Female peritoneum. We wound up talking to Dr. Zhang (the anatomy god) at the beginning of the lab, and he told us to skip Wednesday's lab and go ahead and cut off one of the legs so we could do Wednesday's and Friday's lab at the same time. Apparently nobody is going to cut off legs for either of those labs, except the Friday prosectors. So we were already doing something a little weird compared to the rest of the class, by starting early, and then we found out nobody else was even going to have to cut off the leg.

Well, in order to cut off the leg and preserve the peritonium area for the lab, you have to bisect the body to the level of the iliac crest (the top of the hip bone) and then cut over to the hip bone. So we had to not only cut off a leg, but bisect the anus, the penis, the rectum, the bladder, and lots of other less dirty structures. We started just by taking a scalpel and cutting the penis in half. We'd already dissected out the testes in a previous lab, and they were hanging freely in his abdomen. Then we took a regular hand-saw and started cutting from his anus through his rectum and peritineum. Well, I take that back. Before we cut with the saw, we had to tie off the upper end of the rectum and sever the lower end from the rest of the body. The hard part about this is that our rectum was famous in the class already for being the biggest, most distended, and packed the tightest with feces of any of the other rectums in the lab. So we tried to push some of the shit back up into the sigmoid colon and descending colon so we could get a reasonable handle on tying off the rectum without the poo going everywhere. It was nasty. It was also insanely hard to get the regular old twine we had to work with to go tight enough. Anyways, we did our best tying off the end, and when we severed the lower half we only had poo coming out of the lower end--the upper end is in tact for now.

Well, then we started sawing. We got the leg free from the body, but then there was a huge pile of shit sitting in our tank, and covering the severed leg and the rest of the body. We had to carry the leg to the sink to wash it off. Then we had to come back to the body and scoop all of the poo off of it (basically with our hands), and then find a way to wash it off while it was still in the tank. If the poo clean up wasn't bad enough, the whole image of pulling legs apart to assist a tankmate while he sawed through the body, and then carrying the severed leg to the sink to wash it probably will stay burned in my mind forever. It took two of us to carry the leg around.

Another thing that made this experience weird was that we were the only people in the lab doing it, and everybody wanted to know what the heck we were doing. Professors came around and were amused by us, curious classmates stood around a gawked as we sawed him in half (and many guys made pained faces at the penis split right down the center). Then everybody jumped back when they saw the amount of feces that was left behind.

Once we got the bisected part of the rectum cleaned out, people really started streaming over trying to guess what it was. The most popular guesses were the bladder and the uterus (those people obviously hadn't seen the cut penis). It was a freakin' huge opening. Our guy must have been in severe pain at the end of his life, because that rectum was massive. It looked like he could have had a baby in there it was so large. You know it's insane when even the professors come by and gawk at it and make jokes.

Anyways, we had an interesting time in lab today. It's not every day that you get to cut a penis in half, saw a leg off, and bisect an insanely large and full rectum. I think the whole carrying the leg to the sink to wash it off was the craziest part. We got a lot of strange looks as we paraded it through the lab. I can't imagine the kind of strange looks we would get from people who haven't been acculturated into the gross anatomy scene.

Anyways, it was an interesting day in the lab, and I'm curious to see how my absent tank mates react when they get back on Wednesday. Oh yeah...We are really freaked out about the tied off portion of our rectum bursting, especially overnight. It would be awful to come back on Wednesday and see the strings gave way and the poop filtered out into the liquid and spread all over the body during the night. So to try and prevent this we added several extra strings, and then we grabbed a glove and tried to use that as a makeshift "colon condom" which we also tied on really tight. Hopefully it will stay closed. We only have a couple more weeks to go, and I don't think there will be anything weirder than this to contend with. I've been wrong before.

So yeah, you know you are in medical school when you come home smelling like dead man poo. I spent about an hour in the shower scrubbing myself, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, I don't think I'll get those images out of my mind--nor do I think I want to.

Is it all worth it?

2005-10-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm reaching my breaking point. I'm just a little too stressed out. I was in school from 8-5 today, and I'm planning on studying into the wee hours of the night...and I still won't be caught up. When I got home a few minutes ago, I started heating up the oven so I could reheat some leftovers for dinner. I don't like to study during dinner time, or I would really lose my sanity without even a food break. So I sat down on the couch for a few minutes and turned on the Simpsons while waiting on the oven. I saw the last 30 seconds of the episode where Bleeding Gums Murphy dies. At the end of that episode Lisa and Bleeding Gums are having one last jam session (Lisa is alive on a streetcorner and Bleeding Gums is in the clouds). She's singing the song "Jazzman." I started to cry uncontrollably when I saw this. I've always identified greatly with Lisa, partly because of her saxophone. This scene reminded me of what I'm giving up in life right now. First of all, I'm giving up TV, which isn't totally a bad thing. However, The Simpsons have been a part of my life (as sad as that is) since they first aired when I was in the third grade. So watching The Simpsons reminded me of what my life was back way back then. Then the whole saxophone playing thing reminded me of what my life was like in high school/college. Back in the days where all I needed to be happy was my saxophone and some practice time. Where I got my sense of self from my instrument. Then the whole song "jazzman" reminded me of the last few years of my life where I spent a whole lot of time in jazz clubs just hanging out and enjoying myself. That's gone now; partly because of relocation and partly because of lack of spare time. All of the images of my past life that the brief 30 seconds conjured up for me were just more than I could handle. I feel like I really have started a new life, and like all of the things I used to enjoy doing, are in the past. I know once this superstressful block is over I'll be a little more okay, but still I'll never be able to be the same person again. That 30 seconds of The Simpsons reminded me of the parts of me that have died in my aging/maturing/educational progress/etc. I don't know if I like it or not. I don't want to become what I foresee in my future. I don't want to be one dimensional. I don't want to have to cut out all of the wonderful things about life in order to go to school/do my job. I know there is a way to balance, but for today that balance is not possible. I think I'm going slightly crazy.

GROSS Anatomy

2005-10-11T20:07:00.000-07:00

I can't wait for gross anatomy to be over. I like the class, but the lab is really starting to bother me. We are doing the head and neck this block. It's disgusting. I couldn't look when my tankmates took the skin off of the face. Taking the brain out was kinda cool, and I helped with that and with sawing the top of the skull off. However, the eye lab was quite disturbing. It's squishy. The ear lab was also disturbing. Instead of using the ears on our cadavers, we just grabbed one out of a big bucket of severed decalcified ears. It was like Van Gogh went nuts in our lab that day. I don't think I'll ever get the image of the ear bucket out of my mind.

However all of that was nothing compared to Monday's lab. In order to get to the pharynx, we had to disarticulate the 1st and 2nd cervical vertebrae and pull the head forward until it was only attached by a few muscles on the front of the neck. Then, if the crunching and popping sounds that created coupled with the brute force we had to use to rip the head forward from the body wasn't bad enough, we had to bisect the head. So we took a saw (a regular hand-saw) and sliced the head open straight through the nasal cavity. Now we just have these two odd hanging masses at the end of the body that don't even resemble a head. We have to hold them up to do anything, and they keep flopping all over the place like dead fish. It's creeping me out. Plus, our body is starting to decay. It wasn't embalmed properly, and now we don't have enough fluid in our tank to totally cover him when we lower him down for the day. It's disgusting, and I think it is safe to say that our body is one of the top 5 worst smelling ones in the lab. It not only makes it hard to find structures in the body, but it makes it so it is just a totally disgusting experience. We are at the halfway point in the semester now, and I can't imagine what it is going to be like at the end of the semester. I can't wait for this awful ordeal to end.

I was thinking about it on my walk home from school today, and I think gross anatomy lab is in some ways a form of hazing for first year medical students. Having to do all of those ghastly things to a body and be expected to work quickly, efficiently, respectfully, and diligently is just almost too much to ask. I mean, unless we become pathologists, we are never going to need to disarticulate a head from the body and bisect it, or play with severed ears, or pull out eyeballs and dissect them. I understand that we need to see these things to learn the anatomy (and seeing it is really the only way to truly learn it), but still there are a few things that are just a little much. Hopefully next block will be better, but that looks doubtful. We're moving on to the abdomen and lower extremities next block...it's going to be messy and awful, and I'm pretty sure that the lower half of our cadaver is already starting to decay...the legs have changed color since the beginning of the semester. Ick!

I know there are some things I've seen in that lab that I will never be able to forget. The images have been burned into my memory for better or for worse. The weird part is that I feel like I can't really talk about some of the things and the feelings associated with them to my classmates, and when I talk about it to people who haven't gone though it they just don't understand. So I guess the best thing to do is just keep quiet about it and try to work it out in my own personal time and way. We'll see what happens.

List of Random Thoughts

2005-10-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

So I have tried to update the blog several times lately, but I haven't been able to get all of my thoughts together to write a short enough and concise enough blog. Roger told me to make a list instead of writing about things, so here it goes:

I finished all of my tests
I passed all of my tests!!!
I went to the block party and had a great time!
I ran into my brother's best friend from high school while I was studying at Barnes and Noble for my tests. He recognized me and was very friendly and excited to get into contact with my brother again!
I'm starting to feel more comfortable with some of my classmates and perhaps, just perhaps I'm starting to make friends
I played my saxophone for the first time since May, and I still have it. I could still play all my major scales from memory (first try) and I could still play some of my old solos. My sound isn't as good as it used to be, but I haven't lost it all yet!
I went to Jennelle's wedding. It was beautiful! It was also fun to see some of the old Trinity faces again.
I saw Kristi again! She's back from London after over a year, and she's in Houston! I missed her so much! She's an awesome person and an awesome friend!
I called the cops on a scary car in the Starbucks parking lot while hanging out with Kristi after Jennelle's wedding.
I've gotten way behind in all of my classes, and I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to catch up. Damn Rita!
I started going to alternative medicine lectures during lunchtime. It's pretty interesting.
I realized my cats are no longer kittens. They are full grown cats now. But they are still the cutest things on the planet!
I was "outed" as being straight to my class! Ha!
I've been drunk more times this week than I have in the past 3 months (3 times)
On Friday after my biochem test, I had class and then gross lab and then a skill session. That means I was sleep deprived (2 hours) then I played the role of student, then I had to wear my scrubs and get stinky and work on dissections, then I had to change into my white coat and nice clothes and walk across the med center to learn how to give a neurological and HEENT exam to my standardized patient. I actually felt like a real med student for the first time that day.
I rented the first half of the first season of Desperate Housewives and am trying to get myself caught up on it
I feel like I have lost my momentum in school. I needed a break after taking all of my makeup tests. I'm hoping I can get it back soon!
I think I might like Houston. I like the more cosmopolitan and international feel. Ex. I went to Starbucks to study the other day and everyone who wound up sitting next to me was from some other country (I could tell by the accent, what they said, or the different languages they were speaking).
Is it bad that I've been going to Starbucks not only to study, but to try and meet people?
The other night I wanted cake and ice cream. So when I went to the grocery store by myself late at night and all I had in my cart was a whole cake and a half gallon of ice cream, I decided to buy a birthday card too so the check out person wouldn't look at me with pity in her eyes.
I had lunch with Darby, Jenny, Kristi, and Matt for Darby's birthday. It was fun. It felt like we were almost grown-ups. Almost. At least Darby will always be older than me!
Elwood has started licking my walls. He always had a thing for sheets and my clothes (while I'm still wearing them) but this wall thing is starting to freak me out! I hope my apartment complex doesn't use lead paint!
While sitting here and delaying studying, I've watched Jennifer Lopez's "The Wedding Planner," twice. How pathetic is that?
I still haven't finished unpacking and putting my apartment back together from my Rita evacuation.
I've been so busy with tests and studying that I haven't even put all my trash into a trash bag, let alone taken out the trash, washed dishes, done laundry, or cleaned my apartment in the past 3 weeks. It's gross in here.
I've been so lazy lately that I've ordered in or taken out most of my meals these past few weeks. I can literally see and feel my ass getting bigger. I'm scared, but apparently not scared enough to do anything about it.
I've been losing feeling in my feet recently and I think I've been peeing a lot more than I should. I know I'm just being paranoid because I've been eating fast food so much lately, but I think I may be developing Type II diabetes--I know I'm still generally too young for it, but it runs in the family, and you can't say anything to console an admitted overeater and hypochondriac.
I really really really want to make some good friends here in Houston.

Anyways, enough of the deep thoughts. But now I think it is obvious why I couldn't combine all of these things into one entry.

I heart my classmates!

2005-10-03T23:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight we had our first block party! It was fantastic! That means that we finished our last of the block one tests today! Finally! Rita was a bitch and made us extend the first test week over 2 weeks--which sucked! But now it's over!
I'm so excited! It was a good time! I'm still kinda drunk! I have the most fantastic classmates ever! I'm so excited and happy and honored to spend the next 4 years with these people! I can't even begin to express everything I'm thinking right now! So I guess I'll stop the entry! But I just wanted to publicize the fact that I really like my classmates!!!!

Your Furry New Best Friend

2005-09-29T10:07:00.000-07:00

Please adopt a furry friend for life! Be a responsible pet owner and spay or neuter your pets!

Breeders

2005-09-27T19:08:00.000-07:00

It feels like all of my friends are growing up faster than me, or perhaps they are just moving more quickly towards death than I am. Or at least they are moving more quickly towards their future careers and towards marriage, which seems like a step closer to death. I'm beginning to realize that all of my friends from college are finishing up with school and are starting their real careers and real lives. I however, have chosen to take a step backwards and go back to school for the next 7-12 years.

For the past 2 years I was pretty much the only person in my group of friends who was working. Everybody else was in school, either undergrad or a grad program, or unemployed and still dependent on their parents. I felt like an outsider then because nobody could understand what it was like to have a job and not have the freedoms and responsibilities of coursework. Now that all of my friends are starting to finish up their grad work now or in the next few years, I'm noticing that I'm going to be an outsider yet again. Now instead of feeling older and somewhat more responsible, I'm going back to feeling younger and not necessarily less responsible, but perhaps less independent. Don't get me wrong, in ways I know I am much more independent than some of my "breeder" friends who can't understand why I prefer to do things alone like driving 21 hours to Dallas. I took quite a bit of offense to the people whose main reaction to my hurricane evacuation story was "oh my gosh, you did all of that alone." I know if I was a male they would not have reacted the same way. But that is another bag of worms to open at a later time...Perhaps later in this entry. I think it's going to be a long one.

Anyways, I know that going back to school is going to help retard my social maturation. I think it is a good thing though. Tons of my friends are getting married now, and I know before I graduate several of them will have children. I guess you could say "I just haven't found the right guy yet," but I still think we are way too young to get married. Now there are some couples that I know of who are golden, they seem like they are already married, and I respect their relationships and decision to go ahead and take the plunge at this time. However there are others who seem to just decide "poof" it's time to get married, I'm out of college and I'm too afraid of being alone in the real world to wait around for the right person. That is what scares me.

I guess what set me off was a conversation I had with Jenny and Darby last night (they are one of the golden couples I was referring too). I mentioned that it was odd that Darby and Jenny now both have their grad degrees (Darby just finished law school, and Jenny just finished some of her final tests to be a CPA yay Jenny), but I was just starting school again and would be in it for many more years. Darby made a comment that I was going to witness many marriages and births of my friends before I graduate, which is probably true. However, inferred in that statement was that I was not going to be a participant in any of those things because of school. I agree with him. I do not want any of those things, at least not any time in the foreseeable future. My life is still too apt to change to drag anyone down with me yet. In that conversation, I realized that Jennelle was getting married this weekend and I still hadn't bought her a gift. There were two things about that realization that disgruntled me. The first part was just the realization that the whole marriage and supposed maturation of my peers is already starting. The second part was that I'm going to have to buy a shitload of presents in the coming years for weddings and babies and I'm never going to see a return on my money. That freakin' blows! It reminded me of a Sex and the City episode where one of the girls throws herself a shower for being single. When are those of us who choose to stay single ever going to get celebrated? Huh? Damn breeders.

Now you may wonder why I'm using the term breeders. I hung out at a gay bar the other night with a new friend of mine. I got incredibly drunk with him because we were celebrating being safe from Rita's fury and the postponement of our tests. We got into a conversation about when and how he realized he was gay, and somehow that morphed into relationships and babies and whatnot. We both thought marriage and children were silly (a good thing for him, since he's not allowed to get married and biologically can't have children). He kept using that term to describe straight people, however it seems to fit the current rash of people my age getting married and having kids more than it fits the straight people like me who want no part of it at any foreseeable point in the future. Perhaps that conversation also played a part in my current mind-set and disgruntled attitude towards all of the "breeders" who are around me.

I guess the reason that I am the most upset about all of this is rooted in feminism and my own incredibly large independent streak. Well, mostly in the independent streak, feminism is just a way to explain my strong feelings about my need for independence, and my incomprehension of the lack of that need in other people--usually female. I can't understand surrendering your life to somebody else at this point. We are so close to figuring out who we really are. We are just now emerging from our education (or starting it over again in a more specialized field). Now is the time to explore yourself and your interests, not to get shackled to somebody who shared those interests before you really matured and came into your own. It seems like a lot of people get into relationships because they are too scared of spending time with themselves figuring out who they truly are. It seems if you get into a relationship too quickly you'll never know what you truly are capable of doing. If somebody else is always there, how are you going to know that you can do things like drive 21 hours by yourself in the worlds worst traffic jam and make it to the other end to tell the tail; or strike off to a new city on your own to restart your life without anybody around to catch you if you fall; or buy, move, and assemble your own furniture; or maintain your finances on your own; or travel by yourself; or go to movies and restaurants by yourself; or have a good time on your own on a Saturday night. There are so many things that I cherish doing by myself, and I can't even imagine what else there is out there for me to experience by myself before I wind up having to do it all with somebody else. It seems like if you already know what you would do or have done in those situations on your own, you would be a much better partner when you finally do give in.

I know all of this is probably making me sound cynical, but I'm not. I do want to get married some day. I do want to find a special person some day. However, I just can't imagine that day being anytime soon. I also know it is impossible to say that it is too early for many of the other people who are getting married and becoming breeders now since I have not walked in their shoes; however, it seems that not all of the people jumping on the marriage and kids boat are well developed enough as individuals to truly take on that task. I know I need much more time to come to terms with who I am and where I'm going before I can ever get another person involved in my life, or god forbid bring another person into the world.

Now if you are a breeder and you are already married and/or have kids, please don't take offense to anything that I said. I'm not thinking of anybody specifically while writing this. I know there is no way I could ever truly understand your life situation. All I know is that from my point of view, it seems ludicrous to give up your one chance at freedom at this critical juncture in our personal development in order to shackle yourself to somebody who will either stunt your growth or you will quite possibly grow away from.

I don't know if I will ever get the young breeder mentality. There are worse things in life than being alone or unmarried; for example never truly knowing yourself. Now I know we are getting to a point where some people are more comfortable with themselves and do know who they are, and are able to make those decisions, and usually those are the people who are part of the "golden couples," and I wish them all the luck in the world. However, many times when I say "Congratulations and best wishes," or "Wishing you a lifetime of happiness," I'm really thinking "Stop! Get out now while you still can! You're still young and full of promise! Go explore your potential before you get stuck!"

Anyways, that's just my own little rant for the day. However, I know the next time somebody asks me how I did something "alone," I will probably flip out on them. Being alone is not a bad thing, sometimes it's the best way to experience certain parts of life. Being alone is glorious! It's those who can't be alone that I am worried about.

Exams and Hurricanes

2005-09-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing throws a kink in your first week of med school exams like a hurricane and forced evacuation. The week started out plainly enough with a gross anatomy lecture test and practical on Monday. I was fairly nervous about the lecture test because I had not devoted as much time to gross anatomy as my classmates. I decided to focus more on the other classes and make sure I could pass those tests, and just do my best on anatomy. I watched a lot of people that seemed to get sucked into the anatomy trap and spend all of their time studying it at the expense of their other coursework. Anyways, I wound up passing both anatomy tests, as well as my histology lecture test and practical (which I may wind up honoring once all the protesting is finished).
Anyways on Tuesday night I wound up going to dinner with my brother to celebrate my success on my first med school tests. As far as I knew at that point I had one day off before my biochem test on Thursday and my developmental test on Friday. Well, I stayed up fairly late on Tuesday night studying biochem, and by the time I woke up on Wednesday I had several emails that seemed to hint at the school closing down on Thursday and Friday due to Hurricane Rita. That was quite a shocker. I had been testing all week and hadn't been paying attention to the outside world. The only warning I had that a hurricane was coming was a joke made by a fellow student the previous day saying that our devo test might get rained out.
Shortly after getting the first few emails about a possible closure of the school I got the official email that school was closing. They also encouraged all of us to evacuate if possible. My tests were rescheduled for Monday and Tuesday. So after getting that email I started packing up my stuff and moving my furniture away from my windows. I'm hoping that the windows hold and I don't have to deal with water damage. I'm on the second floor so flooding most likely won't affect me, but broken windows and rain would ruin my few pieces of furniture.
I spend most of the afternoon packing and I had an early dinner with Roger and Christina who were also packing to get out of town. We discussed it and decided it would be a good idea to leave late at night. We were hoping the roads would clear out by then and less people would be leaving then. We were very, very wrong.
I left at 10:30pm on Wednesday night. At that point they had sealed off all of the entrances onto I-45 from highways in Houston. I tried getting onto it from 288 (my normal route to Dallas), but I could only get on I-45 south from there (bad idea). So I wound up getting on 59 and heading north. I was under the false impression that you couldn't get on 45 from any street in Houston. If only the word had been spread a little more accurately, I could have saved myself about 13 hours. So I wound up going down 59. I spent the night on 59. I went 40 miles in 10 hours. At daybreak I was close to a sign that said "Flying J Truckstop, WiFi internet access and buffet. 2 miles at hwy 242." I told myself when I got there I would stop and use the internet to decide my next travel plans. Well, It took me about 2 hours to get there once I saw the sign. Yeah, 2 hours to go 2 miles. The word on the street was that they were not letting anybody onto 40 south of Hunstville. That had me scared. 59 was like a parking lot, and I had already wasted 10 hours to basically go nowhere. I decided to test my luck and take 242 to 45 to see if they would let me onto the highway or not. Before I left I had breakfast (or something they called breakfast), and stocked up on the only food they had to sell. I wound up with a package of beef jerkey (which I swore I'd never eat again after gross anatomy, but it was the best source of protein I could find there), twizzlers (for sugar and quick energy), trail mix, pringles, and no doze. I already had a lot of water in my car, but I was stupid and optimistic in thinking I wouldn't be on the road long enough to need food.
Well luckily when I got to 45 they let me onto the highway. We were moving about 5 miles an hour which was a marked improvement over 59 so I was thrilled! However, I was in communication with my parents who were telling me about news reports where they had made I-45 a one way street and turned all of the southbound lanes into northbound lanes. That was a lie. After wasting 10 hours on 59 and finally figuring out how to get to 45 I was still in the woodlands, not even north of Houston. At that point there were only 2 lanes going north on 45 and the southbound side was still heading southbound. I was VERY pissed off. But luckily I was able to get into the traffic stream heading north. Well, shortly after that I had to go the bathroom, badly. It was a side of the roader situation either; it was serious. Well, I was by myself except for my cats. People were getting out of their cars left and right to pee on the side of the road, stretch their legs, etc, but they had other drivers to take over. We were going so slow that those outside of the car wouldn't get left behind. After all of my struggles to get on 45 and the fear that if I got off they wouldn't let me back on had me almost paralyzed. I was seriously contemplating emptying the chips out of my pringles can, pulling over to the shoulder, putting a towel underneath me and hoping my butt had good aim. Luckily I found a way out of that. I saw a car dealership on the side of the highway. I pulled over on the shoulder. Shut off the car, locked it, and ran across the feeder road to the dealership. It was closed except for the service station, so I got in and was able to use the facilities. However they were out of soap (a phenomenon that was universal in all of the restrooms that I visited on my trip). I didn't care at that point and I ran back to my car which was luckily still there and in one piece. I wound up being able to stay on the highway and avoiding a terrible mess in the car!
anyways, I kept plodding down the road, and eventually when we hit Conroe 45 turned into a one way road (as promised). I eventually made it to the other side of the road (normally the southbound side) and road there most of the trip. It was crazy. People were turning the shoulders into extra lanes and using the feeder roads as extra lanes too. All of the emergency cross overs that were normally hiding spots for cops setting speed traps were turned into cross over lanes for traffic trying to get to the fastest moving side of the road. Also 4 wheel drive vehicles kept cutting across on the more flat stretches of median and creating paths that the more low to the ground vehicles could eventually use to cross over. That was one time I was thankful for Texans with big trucks! The traffic finally started too move. When we hit 20 miles an hour I was so exited I almost pissed myself. Shortly after that we made it up to speeds like 60 miles an hour! It was awesome! However as we made it further down the road more and more people kept getting tired and pulling off, having breakdowns, or running out of gas. It made the shoulders a little more hazardous. Everytime we passed a broken down convoy of cars the traffic would slow down to almost a standstill. After passing hundreds and hundreds of people who were having car trouble and were out of gas I became terrified of becoming one of those people. Luckily my gas held out. I made it to Fairfield before I stopped to refuel. Normally I can make from Houston to Dallas and back again on one tank of gas, but the whole 40 miles in 10 hours thing ate through my supply. Luckily the I found a station with gas in Fairfield. It took me about an hour to gas up. 30 minutes to wait in line for the pump, 5 minutes to fill up and 25 minutes to wait for people to move their cars out of the way so I could leave. It was a mess and a traffic jam in and of itself. But I made it out. By that point I was so intent on getting home I decided to just go ahead and get to Dallas instead of stopping to sleep for a bit. I had been up since about noon on Wednesday and it was about 4pm on Thursday when I got gas in Fairfield. I hadn't slept at all at that point and I'd been on the road for about 18.5 hours. I finally made it into Dallas after almost exactly 21 hours on the road. I think it was actually 20 hours and 58 minutes, but who is counting? Needless to say I was exhausted.
All I wanted to do when I got in was sleep, but I had to make a few phone calls first to make sure everybody knew I was okay. Roger, Christina, Darby, and Jenny kept calling me on the road. We had all left around the same time (actually they all left an hour after me) and we all took different routes, but they made it in way before I did. I had to call them and let them know I was okay and thank them for caring so much! It was amazing to know I had friends that really cared about me. I wanted to cry for joy everytime I got a call from a well wisher while I was stuck on the road. However what I had to do was shew them off the phone so I could conserve battery power in case of a real emergency. Luckily the real emergency never came.
anyways now I'm safely in my parents house in Dallas. Unfortunately my brother didn't make it out of Houston. He's still there riding out the storm. He had to go into work on Thursday, or I would have made him come with me. I hope he will be okay. I know the storm has changed course and won't directly hit Houston now, but I'm still worried about him. He should be fine. Right?
anyways I'm trying to make the best of this situation. I get a break from my studying for a bit and more time to put in for my exams. I get to see my parents. My cats get to play with Snook and Bernice. It's good times, right? We'll see. I'm curious to see how my apartment holds up. I hope the windows don't break or leak. During one heavy rain we already had since I moved in, the windows started leaking and everything around them got soaked. I hope that doesn't happen again. We'll see. I am also curious to see if my exams are really going to happen on Monday and Tuesday. The fact that it took so many people so long to get out of Houston and that there is no longer any gas to be had between here and there (stations here in the North Dallas suburbs are even starting to sell out) makes me think that it would be insane to make us all come back by Monday afternoon for a test. I'm not sure if it would be possible to make it back there after the weather calms down in time to get there...or even make it back there at all if the gas situation doesn't improve.
No use worrying about that now. I'm just going to use all the extra time I can to study and sleep. Those are good gifts and things to concentrate on now. I don't think I can stand to think about all the possibilities that may arise because of the storm, or to even process all of the stuff that I saw on my drive here. I saw some pretty crazy things, and it is still taking awhile to sink in. I drove for about 20 minutes today looking for gas and going to a failed meeting at the galleria with Roger, Christina, Jyothi, and Prashant. Just being stuck in traffic and waiting in line for gas after passing 5 dried up stations made me very nervous. I hope I don't get a PTSD that is set off by traffic jams--I'll be in big trouble for the rest of my life! Anyways it's been a stressful week, and I'm ready for it to be over. Evacuation in the middle of exams sucks. Now I'm stressed about getting back to take the exams...let alone studying for them. Ug...time for sleep and studying.

Could I be a Unitarian Universalist?

2005-09-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I should be studying right now, but instead I decided to look into the Unitarian Universalist religious tradition. Isn't a couple of hours spent trying to find a life long spiritual tradition more important than a couple of hours spent on Biochem, Gross Antatomy, Histo, or Devo?

So those of you who know me well enough for me to share my religious convictions with you, already know I'm not one for organized religion and doctrine. I was raised as a Methodist, and I was very religious as a child. My mother was my Sunday school teacher from preschool to my junior year in high school (taking 1 year off in the second grade). I was very devout at the time, and a leader of one of the largest Methodist youth groups in one of the largest Methodist churches in the world. However, something happened, and I began to reject the idea of organized religion. Basically I don't want anybody telling me what I believe, why I should believe it, or that if I believe something else, it must be flawed. I think faith and spirituality is a very personal thing, and what works for one person is not going to work for thousands of others. I came to the opinion that faith is just an individual truth. I've also never been one to interpret the bible literally, believe in hell or eternal damnation, or to believe that people who hold other religious beliefs are wrong in any way. In fact I have looked into many different non-Christian traditions on my spiritual journey, and I rejected every one of them because of my issues with organized religion and the ritual and creeds that are inherent in all of them. However, I have found myself with a much stronger personal spirituality and faith in something greater than myself as a result of all of this searching.

Finally I reconciled myself to the idea that I may never find a religious home because of the inherent problems I've seen with organization and ritual. So recently I've settled into a pattern of finding spiritual meaning in everyday occurrences without any way to really synthesize them or get assistance by discussing ideas with others. Despite all of my issues with organized religion, I still think it is helpful and sometimes necessary to discuss your faith with others in order to grow. This is why I haven't given up on one day finding some sort of religious community.

Well, I think I may have found a group where my ideas may fit, and maybe, just maybe, if I'm lucky I'll be able to rejuvenate my spiritual life. I had heard of Unitarian Universalists in the past, but did not do a whole lot of research into their ideas and beliefs until recently. Sara's wedding was actually performed by a Unitarian minister (her aunt), and I really liked the ceremony, so I decided to look into it further. The ceremony emphasized the commitment Sara and John were making to each other, it never used the word "God," but it referred to a higher uniting power and seemed to express an acceptance for all viewpoints.

Today as a study break I decided to Google Unitarian Universalists and I found the UUA website. I actually started to cry when I read their FAQ, because the principles they outlined were very much in line with principles I have accepted on my own, but had previously thought were irreconcilable with any organized groups. I followed another link to find what would be my "home church," or closest UU church to me. I wound up listening to several sermons they had posted online. This prompted me to send an email to one of the Reverends to try and get more information. That's the most proactive I've been about anything in a while. I'm very excited to learn more. Hopefully I won't have to spend the rest of my spiritual life alone, and if UU isn't the thing, then perhaps one day I will find what is. For now, I'm thrilled at the thought of spiritual renewal without the dangers of doctrine, organization, and creeds. We'll see what happens.

For those of you who are interested, here are the uniting principles of most Unitarian Universalists (not a creed you have to proclaim, just guidelines that loosely define who they are).

Unitarian Universalist Principles:

The inherent worth and dignity of every person
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part

Unitarian Universalists Sources of Religion:

Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life
Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love
Wisdom from the world's religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life
Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God's love by loving our neighbors as ourselves
Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit
Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature

Unitarian Universalists History:

The Unitarian Universalist denomination combines two movements with origins in the Protestant Reformation and early American history. Universalism began with the belief that God would not condemn anyone to eternal punishment, so salvation must be universal. American Unitarianism grew from the congregational churches of post-colonial New England and emphasized the unity of God. The two denominations merged in 1961 to form the Unitarian Universalist Association, which encourages both the search for religious beliefs and the pursuit of individual truths.

Ack!

2005-09-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

Ack! My first round of exams is only a week away! I feel hopelessly behind! It's really late on Sunday night, and I should be sleeping now, but I just had to post something! I've been in the gross lab most of the day today, then I took a break to eat dinner with my tankmates (Pappasitos, yummy!) Don't worry we went home and showered before going to the restaurant. Then it was home again to continue hitting the books hard. The thing I fear the most right now is the books hitting back. Well, if I'm going to be effective at all next week I better get to bed now. Wish me luck as I plunge closer and closer to the zero hour before my first round of med school exams! Yikes!

Sex, Bodies, Touching, and Fear

2005-09-07T21:32:00.000-07:00

Today was an interesting day. The first half of the day was rather uneventful, biochem conference, devo lecture, and a gross lecture. Then lunch happened. Yesterday during lunch there was a cultural humility in medicine lecture on treating LGB patients. It basically stressed the importance of being empathetic and non-judgmental and always taking a sexual history. It stressed never assuming anything about a persons sexuality and techniques for asking more open ended self report questions (in a non-threatening manner) about sexuality. It was pretty interesting. Although the lecture was about treating LGB patients it really stressed that those labels are only damaging and that sexuality falls on a continuum, which means that more probing questions need to be asked of everyone. Anyways, today at lunch there was sort of a continuation lecture on the topic of sexuality. It consisted only of 1st and 2nd year students. There were about 40 of us that self selected to be there (which I think skewed the results of the survey administered there). Anyways what we did was take a survey on our attitudes about sex, our sexual practices, our sexual abuse history, and our attitudes about sex as a future clinician. We then anonymously submitted the surveys and they were redistributed. We then reported the answers to the questions that were on our redistributed surveys so we could see how diverse a population we had just in that room. It really proved that you cannot make any assumptions about people's sexual practices. We had people in the room ranging from virgins to people who used sex toys, had anal sex, self identified as gay straight and bi, and had been abused, felt comfortable talking about sex, and felt uncomfortable talking about it. It was very interesting. What was most interesting was seeing the variations in the way people self identified and their actual experiences. For example, the survey I was given was filled out by a female. It she self identified as straight, yet she had experienced sexual attractions and sexual acts with other females. Many people found surveys like that (or the opposite, self identifying as gay, but having experiences/fantasies about the opposite sex). It was very enlightening and very fun.

Then before gross anatomy lab started, we were shown a video that was made by the humanities in medicine department at UTMB. It focused the relationship between people who donate their bodies for dissection and the students who dissect them. In the video current gross anatomy students at UTMB were interviewed as well as people who were going to donate their bodies and the people who ran the willed body programs. It was very interesting to see how the donors didn't seem to care as much as we assume they would about what happens to their bodies post mortem. I know some of them probably would care if they actually saw everything that goes on, but most of them apparently don't. Also most of them don't seem to want to know what exactly is going to happen to their bodies. The video was meant to start a dialog with our class/instructors about our feelings and questions about the donated bodies we are working with. We found out how they are acquired and how they are disposed of. We also discussed the way we distance ourselves from the humanity of the cadavers and ways to try and reconcile feelings we may be having about what we are doing. It was a very interesting conversation, and one that I am very glad the course director decided was important enough for us to take time to have. Apparently talking about such issues is a fairly new phenomenon.

After the discussion that ensued, I had to skip lab to go to my first skill session with a standardized patient. We see the standardized patients in a fake clinical setting in a building across the med center from the school. There are 12 mock patient rooms in a row that have video cameras and microphones in them. We went into the rooms in pairs and met our standardized patients, which basically guided us all the way through a cardiac and pulmonary physical exam. It was a very interesting experience. It was an odd sensation to have somebody disrobe in front of you (only what was necessary) and guide you through an exam. Touching people in that way for the first time was a very different experience. I never seemed to use enough pressure in anything I did. When finding pulses I would press very lightly to feel for them (which works in some areas but not in others). I would have to be directed every time to push in harder to find the more difficult arteries. Also I wouldn't push hard enough with my stethoscope to hear the heart and lung sounds. Well I could hear them, but the patient kept telling me to use more pressure to help cut out background noises. I guess I need to get used to being that invasive. I was doing everything I was supposed to do, but I guess I just wasn't comfortable enough with touching someone else yet to know how hard is too hard and how hard is just right. In line with the whole comfort and touching thing, I am glad we had a female standardized patient. The heart exam involves having to navigate around breasts in the female, and it was nice to have one showing us the proper way to do that without making somebody uncomfortable. It's crazy. We all got dressed up and looked the part of a doctor for the skill session, but nobody knew what was going on. I left with the realization that I am nowhere near as observant as I thought I was, and that making that much physical contact with a patient without making them uncomfortable (or bumbling around a lot) is very difficult. It's going to take a lot of time and practice to become comfortable in a clinical setting. I guess there is no time like the present to start with that! Thank goodness for standardized patients!

Anyways once that was over with, I had to go to the Sprint store to get my phone replaced. It died over the weekend. While there, I wound up meeting a lot of Katrina refugees. The Astrodome and Relient Center are basically across the street from the sprint store that I went to. Sprint is apparently giving away free phones to all of the victims of the hurricane that had their service previously. So needless to say the only sprint store within walking distance of two major refugee camps was packed. I didn't realize this was what was going on until I was already in the midst of my transactions there. I wound up talking to several of the refugees, and to the saleslady who has taken in her nephew after the flood. The nephew was rescued from flood waters by a helicopter that was too full to take his parents. The boy is 7 years old and he told his Aunt that the last time he saw Mommy and Daddy they were swimming. Apparently they already know that the dad drowned, and the mom is currently missing. Poor family. It's so sad.

The lady behind the counter was telling me all kinds of stories. She also told me about how the first day the refugees arrived she saw tons of kids out on the street that looked hungry and were holding signs begging for food and water. She told one of her friends about it and he decided to go and buy gallon jugs of water and make sandwiches for them. He came by and found a needy looking family on the side of the street, and he stopped to unload his truck and give them the food and water. While he was doing that, they jumped in the truck (man, woman, and 4 kids one of which was an infant). The wife pulled a knife on the man, and forced him into his own truck, were they stole his wallet and credit cards, and drove him to an ATM where they forced him to empty out his checking account. They apologized to him, said that they were just trying to start a new life but it was hard, and then they dumped him on the side of the road and drove off. This all happened only a few blocks from where I live (Buffalo Speedway and Main for those of you from Houston). Scary!

Then I met a man in line waiting for his free phone. He was very optimistic about his "new start" in Houston. He was trying to stay positive and be thankful for the chance to start over and the things that were being given to him (like the phone and place to stay). He apparently has been given free rent for a year in a house in the area. He is very excitedly looking for a job because he sees this year of free rent as an opportunity to build up enough money to hopefully buy a house by the end of the year. People like that are commendable. It's so sad that there are other stories of violence thrown into the mix that make us afraid of the refugees. I really want to go and help out, but after standing in line with a lot of the refugees at the sprint store I'm not so sure it's a good idea to go and help. It's not the people in line that made me feel unsafe, it's the things they were talking about. They spoke of volunteers that had their cars broken into while at the Astrodome, volunteers that have been assaulted, verbally abused, and even raped. As horrible as this situation is, and as good as 99% of those people probably are, I am ashamed to say I'm too afraid of the bad apples to probably ever go out there and help. I'm also afraid of the curfew they are enforcing. Now you might think a curfew is a good idea, but the only thing the curfew means is that if the refugees are not back at the Relient Center or the Astrodome by 10pm, they are locked out for the night to roam the streets (in my neighborhood). Well, I'm making sure to lock up tight and not leave home after dark anymore. It seems to me that the people who stay out past curfew are the ones that would be the most "dangerous," and the ones obeying the rules are the ones that those of us in the neighborhood should not be afraid of and should really be trying to help. I know it's awful to be this scared of the people in need, but after hearing stories from the people themselves, I feel like it might be justified to stay locked up tight. I know I want to find some way to help, but right now I think I'll try things that don't require my physical presence (like donations), and see what happens from there.
Anyways, this was a very long journal entry. I was hoping not to do marathon entries like this now that I started a new journal, but too many interesting things happened today.

Sara's Wedding

2005-09-03T22:26:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it! Sara's married now! I just got back from the wedding and reception. Well, when I say just got back, I really mean, just got back. I'm still in the hotel room in Bloomington. I'm on the couch (my bed) in my parent's hotel room, and they are asleep on the bed. (Don't worry I'm not keeping them up. There is a door between us.)

The wedding was very nice. It was definitely a Sara production. It was a in a tiny chapel next to the IU student center. When I say tiny, I mean tiny. It was big enough to hold about 40-50 people. Sara's aunt is a Unitarian minister and she performed the ceremony. It was very nice. No long sermons or prayers, just talk of love and celebration of the union of two people and their families and friends. The size of the chapel and the way the ceremony was done made it feel very personal and intimate. It was definitely not one of those big staged production weddings. Sara and John's personalities definitely came out, but it was still very tasteful. Everybody seemed to enjoy themselves and have a good time.

The reception was in the student union next to the chapel. I was kind of wondering about a wedding reception inside of a student union until I actually saw it. It was huge and very nice. It didn't seem like we were on a college campus at all. My parents and I were basically the only people not related to Sara that made it to the wedding from Texas. We wound up hanging out with her family all night. It was luckily a very small group at the reception anyway, so we weren't in the way by hanging out with them the whole time. I always forget how much fun they all are! We had a blast. Mr. Breitzmann actually smiled and danced and joked and talked...it was amazing! Mrs. Breitzmann had her first tequila shot tonight. My mom is a bad influence on her. They did it together. Needless to say, Mrs. Breitzmann had a great time and danced up a storm (so cute) after that. Then Jennifer and David are always a barrel of laughs. I think everybody (in their family) actually did have a great time tonight. Plus Sara and John just looked so incredibly happy. It was very sweet. Sara was gorgeous. He dress was so beautiful. I of course forgot to bring my camera to the wedding (it was sitting in our hotel room the whole night) but my parents brought their camera. They didn't bring the adaptor to upload the images, but as soon as the send them to me, you know I'm going to be posting some of them here or on my flickr site!

Anyways, I think a good time was had by all tonight, and now Sara is Mrs. John Walbridge! Crazy! I wish the two of them all the best! Sara has been a fantastic friend for many years, and I just adore her whole family. Well, I guess her family just got a little bigger tonight!

I'm a winner

2005-08-30T13:03:00.000-07:00

So we have one histology professor who likes to do random trivia breaks in the middle of her lectures. She'll be flipping through her slides and then randomly she'll insert a trivia break slide. In her lecture today she used word puzzles as her trivia. I wound up winning. (It was a surprise to me too; I never thought I'd win one). I'm usually no good at word puzzles, plus there was a classroom of 200 other med students who all seem quicker and smarter than me, competing. It's not just useless competition either. The trivia winner of the day gets $20! (It's actually the prof's own money. She's incredibly awesome for doing this!) Well, today I wound up winning, but only after a showdown. The original puzzle was

_______H E
N O W_______R E

(ignore the white underlining...formating is a bitch sometimes!)

Well, I got that one first, but of course I'm too quiet to yell it really loudly, and I was sitting way in the back so the prof heard someone else closer up who said it after me. Luckily the people sitting around me had my back and said I got it first. Well, that sent us into a showdown, where I again got some help from the people sitting around me. (I was representing for the back of the class). The showdown puzzle was:

P A W A L K A R K

I got that one on my own too, but got reinforcement from the peeps around me. So I wound up winning the $20. Not a bad days pay for just showing up to Histo lecture and thinking on your feet. Hee hee! I never thought I'd win one of the trivia questions, but I did! Coolness! I really like that prof. She is a great teacher and she knows how to make her material and lectures fun too!

I guess now all I have to do is figure out a way to spend my newfound riches! Hee hee!

Oh, and if you want the answers to the puzzles they are "he came out of nowhere" and "a walk in the park."

Hitting the groove

2005-08-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

So I started my third week of med school today. Things are feeling like they are calming down a little bit more. I know the material isn't slowing down, but I feel like I'm adapting to the med student lifestyle a bit more.

Today we had our first real ICM class. ICM stands for introduction to clinical medicine. Today we started learning about cardiac and pulmonary physical exams. They had a standardized patient come into the class (lecture hall with 210 students in it), and they had a TV camera filming person examining him so we could all see exactly what was going on. I have to have a stethoscope for ICM tomorrow so we can start practicing hearing heart and lung sounds on each other. So I went and bought one in the bookstore today after lab.

When I came home, I tried to hear my heart. Well, at first I heard it loud and clear (and thankfully without any of the abnormalities they had us listen to in class). Then I put down the stethoscope and came back to it. Well, I couldn't hear a thing. It was as if my chest had gone silent. Well, instead of jumping to the conclusion that I had died in the previous 2 minutes and now was a ghost who didn't realize she was dead yet, I decided to flip the ear pieces around. Apparently they are directional. You have to make sure they are facing the right part of your ear or you can't hear a thing...boy did I feel like a doof. At least I figured it out in private. Well, once I got that figured out I started trying to hear things all over myself. Then I moved on to Elwood (my cat)! Ha! He was a good boy and stood still for me while I listened, although he was obviously confused, and possibly having flashbacks to vet visits.

Anyways, today was a totally ICM and gross anatomy day. Even though it was one of our longer days 8:00-5:00, it didn't feel as bad as it had in the previous weeks. I think it is all a matter of endurance training and acclimating yourself to your new surroundings. We'll see though. We haven't had any tests yet, although we are having a practice practical in gross anatomy on Thursday. I'm sure I'm going to come home from that all depressed and thinking I'm going to flunk out of school, but for now things seem to be going smoothly. At least as smoothly as they can go.

Today was one of the first days that I wasn't accompanied by fellow med students on the metrorail on the way home. Normally there is at least one other person from out class standing next to me on the train. Sometimes we talk; sometimes we don't, but there is usually someone there. Today I was surrounded by physical therapy students. It was interesting. I haven't met any of the students here in the med center who are studying other medical fields. Seeing them, and a group of nursing students that got on the train after them, made me start to wonder if there were any identifying features of those groups. Like Roger says, everyone in the med center looks like they are impersonating doctors (walking around in scrubs). I was trying to spend my alone time on the train secretly taking stock of the group of nursing and PT students to see if there was some way to identify the differences (dress aka colors of scrubs, topics of conversation, age, whatever). I couldn't see much of a difference except for what was printed on name tags. It made me wonder if the med students stick out as a group or not. I know that I stuck out today, not by appearance but by smell. There is definitely a first year med student smell (thanks gross anatomy). I'd like to spend more time getting to know the students in the other medical fields, but I'm not sure there is ever going to be an opportunity unless I just go find their building and start hanging out there. That however, would be creepy, so I guess I won't do it.

Yeah, so all of that thought about the appearance of the different types of medical professionals combined with my new acquisition of the stethoscope made me wonder if I could ever look the part of a doctor. So I'm going to admit to something embarrassing here. After trying to hear my heart and Elwood's heart with the stethoscope I went in the bathroom, still in my stinky scrubs, and looked at myself in the mirror with the stethoscope. (I would have gotten out my white coat too, but I didn't want to get the gross lab smell on it). I still don't think I'll ever look convincing as a doctor, but I guess it will have to happen some day. It still mystifies and amazes me that I've even made it this far, it's crazy to think that in 4 years I'll be a doctor (and in clinics after only 2 more years). It's quite intimidating to think about all of that, yet fascinating.

Well instead of sitting here in my stinky scrubs and thinking too far down the road, I should go take a shower, eat dinner, and start studying for tomorrow. The best strategy here seems to be taking it one day at a time.

Are you a republican?

2005-08-27T01:13:00.000-07:00

Okay, I stole this link from Esther's blog and took the test. The results didn't surprise me. I'm basically moderate with republican leanings. Take the test! It doesn't seem very scientific, but it's fun!

I am:
57%
Republican.

"Congratulations, you're a swing voter. When they say 'Nascar Dad', they mean you. Every Republican ad on the TV set was made just for your viewing pleasure. Don't you feel special?"

Are You A Republican?

Music Moves Me

2005-08-25T19:29:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was reminded of a song we used to sing in elementary school. "Music moves me to laugh, or sing, or cry." It's so true! I was listening to the radio today and 3 songs in a row made me laugh, sing, and cry! Music just has so many different associations. First there's just the lyrics of the song, then there is the style of music, then there is the overall tone/feel, and so much more! So the three songs that I heard today reminded me of people in my past that I miss. It's weird how you can associate songs with people. It may not be that person's favorite song, or one they even like, but for some reason memories of that person (or place, thing, event) are inextricable from the music. I don't know if feeling like this about music makes me weird, or just plain normal.

Anyways the songs I heard tonight were Bowling for Soup's "Ohio (come back to Texas)," Korn's "Make me Bad," and The Dixie Chick's "Ready to Run." You might wonder what radio station plays all of those songs, it isn't one station. It's the wonders of Satellite Radio! (I had to get a plug in here for Sirius--it's awesome, you should check it out!) Anyways, Ohio made me almost cry. It's not the music in this case, but the lyrics. I think Bowling for Soup is a crappy band, but that song always gets me. You may ask why. Well it's because of one of the most awesome people in the world, Esther Lee. I met her at Trinity and she was super-de-dooper cool and fun. Then she decided to transfer out of Trinity in the middle of our Junior year and go back home to Ohio State. I miss her so much. She needs to come back to Texas. Almost all of the reasons listed in that song to live in Texas instead of Ohio seem to apply in her case. "Come back to Texas, it's just not the same here without you." Le sigh...I miss you Esther.

Then there was Korn's "Make me Bad." Most of Korn's songs, but that one in particular, remind me of Sara, my best friend from high school and beyond. She was a HUGE Korn fan back in high school, and got me into the band. When I hear that song it isn't the lyrics as much as the memories of activities we would do listening to Korn or the general feel of that time of my life that come rushing back. It's more the memories attached to that band and it's style of music that make me emotional when I hear it. Plus Korn just plain kicks ass.

Well, there was also a Dixie Chick's song in the mix. Now I'm not a Dixie Chick's fan, but Kristi, one of the most awesome roommates and friends ever, was. "Ready to Run" is one of the only Dixie Chick's songs that I know, and so when I hear it, I'm reminded of her. The whole mood of that song and their music just speaks Kristi. I'm not sure how to put my finger on it, perhaps it's the quiet excitement, I don't know. I can't really explain it.

Anyways, tonight I got taken on a journey through past friendships, and people that I miss terribly all by flipping stations on the radio. Sometimes I wish that I didn't have all of those associations with music, and I could just listen to songs because I liked them, not because they reminded me of things. Then nights like tonight happen and tons of good memories come flooding back all at once and I get taken on a musical journey of my past. Fun times. Even though I miss those ladies a lot it's nice to be reminded of them through music and to take time to reminisce.

Prosectioning sucks

2005-08-24T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired right now. I came home after 12 hours in class and collapsed on my bed--still in my stinky scrubs. When I was awakened by a phone call I realized I was starving and that I had no food in my apartment. So I staggered out the door to my car and somehow made it to Whataburger (comfort food). I came home and scarfed it down and watched some Sex and the City. Keep in mind I am still in my stinky scrubs from gross anatomy...I can't believe it. I'm so exhausted that I didn't even want to take them off and bath before eating. It didn't even bother me until I realized what I had done (after I finished eating). I think prosection in gross anatomy is going to kill me. At least that would provide a young corpse without any surgical abnormalities for future med students.

Okay let me explain. In gross lab we have seven groups of tanks with seven tanks in each group. A tank is where each cadaver is stored. There are 4-5 of us to a tank. Each lab one tank out of each group prosects. Prosection is when you do the lab for that day ahead of time, and know it well enough to teach it to your peers who are working on the lab. Before helping them, you are tested by the professors on your knowledge and the quality of your dissection. Well, today's lab and Friday's lab (the one my group is prosecting) are very long and complicated. Today was the axillary region (armpit). It doesn't sound complicated, but all of the nerves and blood vessels that supply the arm go through the armpit and are all tangled up in a bundle that you have to decipher. Friday (the lab I'm prosecting) is all of the flexors in the forearm and the adjacent arteries, tendons, nerves, etc as well as the palm. It's crazy time. Friday's lab is supposed to be the most complicated one this block until we get to the neck. My group came into the lab yesterday after class and worked for about 4 hours on today's lab. Then today during lab we finished today's lab and started working on Friday's lab. With tons of guidance from our pedagogue (2nd year teaching assistant) we go the flexors of the forearm deciphered. However, we are nowhere near done with the palm. It's such a small space with so many nerves and tiny muscles, and the hand is so hard to pry open to get to the palm because of rigor mortise. It's so frustrating! We were in lab for almost 7 hours today (keep in mind we were in class for 4 hours straight before that). We still have to spend all night tonight learning the material and come back in tomorrow to finish the dissection and go over all the stuff on our body. There is no time or energy left after doing this to work on any of our other classes.

I heard the first semester of med school was supposed to be one of the hardest because of the long hours, but I didn't really expect anything like this. Even when you don't slack and have no life, there is no time to finish all you have to do. Even if somehow we could magically stay up 24-7 and loose the need for sleep there wouldn't be time to do everything we need to do. I don't know how people do it. It has to be possible because so many people ahead of me have made it through. I guess I'll figure it out eventually, and get used to being this tired eventually. I never even studied this hard during finals at Trinity and we aren't even close test week yet. Everyone I've talked to in my class seems to feel this way too, so I know I'm not just slow or stupid (well perhaps I am, but at least it seems like I'm in the same boat with everyone else).

Speaking of everyone in my class feeling overwhelmed, I went to Baylor Med school today for a lunch seminar on Geriatrics. They are trying to get a joint UT/Baylor geriatrics interest group going, which seems like a cool idea. So during my hour for lunch I tramped over to Baylor with 2 other first years and went to a talk. Well, while we were there we were made to feel lower than dirt for being from UT. The leader of the program is a prof/doc/something from Baylor. She kept making comments about UT kids being from "the dark side" and inferring that we were not as good as Baylor kids. Also the people we ran into in the hallway/the Baylor students in the meeting, didn't seem all that friendly. It's definitely a different atmosphere than UT. I didn't like it. I'm so glad I go to UT where people are friendly and supportive. All of my classmates seem to be able to admit their frailties and encourage each other to keep going. I got the vibe from the Baylor kids that such things didn't happen there. I hope it was a wrong impression though. Anyways, it made me feel glad to be going through such a hard time with so many great people. We are all overwhelmed, we admit it, and we are doing our best to help each other through it. I hope it stays that way.

Anyways instead of sitting here blogging about this stuff, I should start studying so I can try to get at least a couple of hours of sleep tonight! I'm averaging about 3-4 a night and I just can't handle that anymore! Now I'm off to study with my Elwood by my side!

Evan's Email

2005-08-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

My brother sent me the funniest email today. I couldn't stop laughing for several minutes after reading it. He's always had the best sense of humor of anyone in my family, and today he decided to remind me of it. Anyways, here's his email:

Subject: Why you are the best sister ever

We talked about the start of the school year today in our group
meeting. [at work]

Ed’s nieces and nephews started elementary school last
week
…. So they had something to do outside the
house.

Suzanne’s daughter started junior high last
week
… So she went shopping for new
clothes

Amy’s husband is still working on his
PhD
… So he got a bunch of undergraduates to
tutor

You started medical school
… So you got your very own dead body.

THAT shut them up, real good.

Cadavers, Killers, and Scary Movies

2005-08-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

So in my last post I said I would update again soon about my first experiences in gross anatomy lab. Well, I've had two labs since that post. We've dissected the muscles of the back and the spinal cord. (The spinal cord dissection was awesome; I got to take a hammer and chisel to the vertebrae and do a big part of the laminectomy). I'm surprisingly okay with the idea that we are cutting open a human being. The most disturbing parts so far were at the very beginning of the course. It was quite a pleasant surprise that nobody in our class fainted, puked, refused to work on their cadavers. When we first got into the lab our cadaver was laying face up, and we had to flip him so we could start working on the back. Well, he was a big guy in life, and it took all five of us from my tank to do it. At that point he was still uncut and looked like a real person, so it was kind of creepy flipping him over. The other difficult part was the first cuts through the skin, because once again he still looked very human. However, now that we have him open, have a towel over his legs, and his face down so we can't see it, it's easier to distance ourselves from his former humanity, and get to work learning anatomy from him. It's crazy how the person who will teach me the most about anatomy and a lot about medicine is already deceased. I feel like I owe a lot to that anonymous man and his family.

My tank group is actually quite awesome. I'm so glad I got randomly assigned to them. We have one alternative pathway student in our group. That means that he is splitting his first year classes into two years (due to family problems last year). He did the first block of dissection last year before he dropped into the alternative pathway, and he has really been a big help in getting us kick started in our work. We also have a guy who has really good cutting skills. He seems to be able to do in 5 minutes what would take the rest of us 30 minutes--and we would butcher it. We also have people that are really good on preparing ahead of time and repeatedly quizzing us over what we should be learning from the lab. My group is awesome! Well, I've come to the conclusion that pretty much everybody in my whole class is awesome. I've only met one or two rude people, and I'm hoping I just caught them at bad times. Everyone is so incredibly smart and for the most part very friendly. It's amazing to be around such a great group of people all day every day!

Friday was an great day. I met up with Roger and Christina and Prashant and Jyothi at this cool restaurant called Baba Yega in the Montrose area. We had dinner and then left for The Killers concert at Verizon Wireless. It was great to get away from school for a bit and just hang out. Plus The Killers are fantastic! I was surprised at the crowd that showed up for the show. We were about the average age. There were of course tons of high school kids there, but there were a lot of older adults too. I was expecting to feel old and out of place there, like I have at other concerts recently, but I didn't! The concert was rather short, and they had no opening act. They sounded pretty much exactly like their CD too. However it was still cool to see them live, but if I had paid for the ticket I probably wouldn't have been as pleased with the concert.

Saturday turned out to be fairly cool too. It started out with the first meeting of the NBC club, which actually alleviated a lot of my fears. I hope it isn't giving me a false sense of security--only time will tell. Then I met up with Darby, Evan Bitto, and one of Darby's law school friends at the St. Arnold's brewery. I'd never had St. Arnold's beer before, so it was pretty cool. If you get there between 1:00 and 1:15 on Saturday they give you 4 tokens that can be redeemed for beer and give you a tour of the brewery. They have to give away beer at the brewery because of crazy alcohol laws. So it's all free! If you buy a glass from them (pint, mug, whatever) you can bring it with you and have them fill it up with beer instead of the tiny cups they hand out. You can also bring food with you and sit and chill and eat lunch while drinking your free beer. There were people there with pizzas and sandwiches and other interesting foods. It was cool. I'm going to have to go again some day!

Well after drinking beer in the early afternoon, my late afternoon was shot. I got home (I wasn't drunk, just extra tired) and all I wanted to do was sleep. I guess being sleep deprived and drinking in the mid afternoon is not a good idea. Anyways I made plans to go eat happy hour sushi with Roger and Christina and Mona, and then went to sleep. Unfortunately I forgot to set the alarm. I almost slept through happy hour! But they called me, ordered for me, and I went to meet them. Yummy! California rolls and spicy salmon rolls for the grand total (tax & tip included) of $4. Well we had to break for several hours so I went home to study. Then we met up again to watch The Shining and eat Roger's mystery pie. He made a chocolate pie with some mystery ingredient and he wanted us to eat it and see if we could guess what it was. None of us could. It was tofu! Crazy! Anyways we settled into the scary movie, and afterwards told ghost stories and stories of scary things that had happened to us (like being held at gunpoint, chased by angry motorists, etc). Well, I was kind of freaked out by the end of the night, but I made it home and went to bed without any nightmares!

Well, I've been playing way too much this weekend, but as The Shining taught me:

"All work and no play make Becky a dull girl. All work and no play make
Becky a dull girl. All work and no play make Becky a dull girl. All
work and no play make Becky a dull girl. All work and no play make Becky a
dull girl. All work and no play make Becky a dull girl. All work and
no play make Becky a dull girl. All work and no play make Becky a dull
girl. All work and no play make Becky a dull girl. All work and no
play make Becky a dull girl. All work and no play make Becky a dull
girl. All work and no play make Becky a dull girl."

Unfortunately though I think I better stop playing and get to work!

NBC

2005-08-16T20:02:00.000-07:00

Ugh. I just finished the second day of classes and already I'm jumping at the chance to be in a remediation course! We had our first biochem lectures today. It was all about DNA and replication. I realized that I knew nothing about it! When I opened up the syllabi last night I actually cried (don't tell anybody). It was just full of structures and figures and very little text explanations--which I desperately needed. All of the first lectures for the other 3 classes were review, and I've felt comfortable in them. So I knew this one should have been review too. I spent 4 hours with the textbook and syllabi last night, and thank goodness I did! I understood the lecture today, but it would have been total Greek if I hadn't put in so much time last night. I guess this is the price I pay for being a psych major and spending all my elective credits in the music department. At least I had fun in college, because I'm not gonna have fun now!

Well the good news is that I found out from one of my second years in my master advisory group that there is an NBC club that meets on Saturday mornings with the biochem course director. NBC stands for new to biochemistry. It's for students like me who haven't had any biochem in our past and are already afraid we are going to fail the course. The course director sent out an email about it today, and apparently you have to beg and list all the reasons you are so stupid you need the course. I had no problem with that. I belittled myself and he let me in the club! Now all I have to do is surrender most of my free time to studying biochem and my Saturday mornings to biochem club meetings, and hopefully I will be able to pass the class. All I'm hoping for is a pass; none of this high pass or honors stuff. I'm shooting for the HP and/or H in my other classes, and they seem feasible right now (although very hard to obtain), but I know that is impossible for biochem. My goal is to pass and not need summer remediation.

Ugh. I guess it's a good thing that the NBC club is available. I shouldn't be ashamed to ask for extra help. It's a sign of maturity, right? I actually woke up this morning thinking I needed to contact the tutor service for biochem, so this option presented itself at a good time. I'll try it out, and hopefully I won't need a tutor too. I guess I should listen to the wisdom of the two physicians that are running my master advisory group. Somebody asked when we would stop feeling uncertain and constantly doubting ourselves, and they replied "never." The fact that it never becomes clear or easy is daunting, but knowing everyone feels that was is a slight relief.

I'm so glad that the environment is so supportive right now. I've heard nightmare stories about med school, and competitive peers, and unwilling professors, but I haven't encountered anything like that here. Of course I've only gone to class for 2 days now, but orientation and the first 2 days have set a very positive tone for the year.

So I have my first day of gross anatomy lab tomorrow. I'm starting to get excited about it. It should be very interesting meeting my cadaver and working with my tank group for the first time. I'm wondering how we are all going to react. A couple of years ago I read a book called "Body of Knowledge," which was a non-fiction work that chronicled a tank group throughout their time in gross anatomy. It talked about their reactions to the course and how their different personalities and life experiences influenced the way they experienced the course. A lot of them had nightmares for the first couple of weeks. I hope I'm not one of those. This is going to be a defining experience in my life, and I wonder how I'm going to deal with it, and how it will ultimately change me. I guess there is no way to know until I go through it. I'll most likely be updating tomorrow about the lab. For now I've got to go off and work on biochem some more and orient myself better with the dissection we are doing tomorrow. I've become such a nerd already. I noticed that all but one of my posts so far are about school. Hopefully that will change soon. I'm just going through so many firsts right now that I feel I need to chronicle them.

First Day of School

2005-08-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

So to day was my first official day of medical school. I'm a freshman all over again. This is my 3rd time to find myself in this situation, and it seems to get scarier each time! I think it's scarier because you are supposed to be older and more mature each time, not to mention that the schoolwork gets harder each time! Despite all of that, I'm ecstatic to find myself in this situation. The opportunity to start over and to be trained as a physician are just fantastic!

Well today started out better than it could have. As I walked up to the lightrail station I immediately recognized several other first years, and I was able to talk to them on the way to class. I got to class 5 minutes early, yet somehow all of the seats were taken except for the ones on the edges in the back row. I know it won't be like that every day, at least I hope not. The day started with ICM (introduction to clinical medicine). It was nice to start with that course instead of a science course. We just learned how the ICM course was setup, and what was expected of us as far as standardized patient interactions, skills we were expected to learn by the end of the year, and equipment we needed to purchase.

Then we delved straight into developmental. We covered Mitosis in 30 seconds, and then moved onto Meiosis, an overview of the stages of development, oogenesis, spermatogenesis, and common chromosomal abnormalities that arise from different problems with meiosis. That was a shot in the arm. It was several weeks or more of a college devo course crammed into one lecture. Luckily I'd had all of that material before, but I am now fearing the day that it isn't review!

Then we moved into a histology intro and lecture. That was boring. I spent most of last year working on immunofluorescence staining and microscopy, so I was already familiar with fixation, embedding, sectioning, staining, and microscopy techniques. At least it was a confidence builder. One funny thing was said in the class though. Histo is supposed to be the easiest class in med school, and they were making a point of how easy it is and how cheating is not tolerated or needed. One of the slides in the intro lecture said something to the effect of, if you get to a point where you have to cheat in histo, I can recommend you to a good law school down the street! Ha! Now I know lawyers/law students will take offense to that, but everybody knows doctors and lawyers aren't supposed to get along.

Well, when lunch time rolled around, a lot of my old fears from previous freshmen years came back to me. We had all been told that there were going to be lunch meetings for different clubs all week and that they would provide us with free lunches. All of the second years told us not to bring out lunches for the first couple of weeks. Well, the meeting today was the surgery club and you had to pay your dues in order to get lunch. So I said, "screw that." The only problem was I was left with no lunch and nobody to eat with. Luckily I found someone else in the same predicament and we found the commons area together. We met up with several other med students there who did not want anything to do with the surgical club. It reminded me of the first day of junior high and high school when you were so scared to go to lunch because you didn't know who to sit with. There was a group of about 10 of us who huddled in the back corner of the commons and watched all of the other medical people eating. It was crazy to walk through the med center and see everyone in white coats and/or scrubs. It's hard to believe that this is my life now. Luckily I've got 210 other scared first years to go through it with me, and luckily I found the other 10 people (there may have been more in other areas) who wound up at the commons for lunch for the first time. It's not like we are confined to one or two buildings either. We are in the middle of the biggest med center in the world. At least our med school building doesn't intimidate me that much anymore, but navigating to other areas of the med center is still kinda scary! I know I'm being childish and weird, but it is really like I've entered a whole new world, and I'm at the very bottom of the pecking order. I know absolutely nothing, and that's something should be okay to admit and be nervous about.

Anyways after lunch we had our intro to the ICM and Gross Anatomy combined courses. Then we had our intro to the gross anatomy course and our first lecture. The course director seems really nice, and he showed us a video of his son in the Cavilers (the bugle corps). Anyone who is a supporter of marching band is okay in my books! He also was trying his hardest to make the point that we are learning anatomy and other subjects in med school to help us in our future clinical careers. He was trying to stress the purpose for all of our memorization, which is something I really need in order to get through school work. I think I'm going to like med school a lot more than undergrad because even though we are learning as much in a week as we might have in a month or two in undergrad, at least this learning is going to mean something. It's going to be connected to real world scenarios. Yes, we are still going to learn the same basic sciences as grad students might learn, but it is going to really help to see the real world application of the knowledge. I know I do better when I see the purpose for everything I'm trying to learn.

Anyways at the end of our lectures, we met our anatomy lab partners for the first time. My group seems good. There were supposed to be 5 of us, but only 4 were there today. We don't have any obvious gunners or people dead set on surgery, so hopefully we will be able to cooperate together and all take turns cutting. We'll see how it all works out. I was halfway hoping we'd get to go and see the lab and our tables/cadavers today, just to go ahead and get it over with, but we didn't. I guess we'll deal with that on Wednesday. Well, after meeting the group, I headed down to the bookstore and dropped a good chunk of change on text books. The whole text book thing is confusing. All of the second years are trying to tell us which books we really need and which ones we don't. We're getting all kinds of mixed signals. I eventually bought most of the books, but we'll see which ones I'll need. Probably the few I didn't buy, and none of the ones I did buy!

Anyways, today wound up being a pretty good day. I guess the only really bad part was coming home in the rain on the metrorail. I would have been fairly dry despite the rain, except the cars driving past kept splashing me (and all of the books I just bought). Not cool. Hopefully the rainy season will end soon (yeah right). Well, I should probably stop this insanely long update and go ahead and start review what we did to day and looking over tomorrow's material. This studying thing is really going to kill my social life and my free time. Well, hopefully not totally kill, although it will maim it quite extensively. Time to hit the many, many, many books!

Retreat 2005

2005-08-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from the first year med school retreat. It was a lot more fun than I had anticipated. The retreat was organized by the second year class to welcome our first year class into school. We had only met our classmates at 3 other events prior to the retreat, so we basically did not know anybody going into it. Now however, I know a lot more names and many more faces of my classmates, and perhaps a little bit more about certain people. I also learned a lot about what to expect in the next few weeks and throughout the next year of school. It did a lot to calm my nerves.

The retreat started at 7:30 Friday morning at the student rec center. We were met by second years all dressed up in costumes that went along with the themes they assigned to different buses. I wound up on the Willie Wonka bus that was run by second years dressed as Oompa Lumpas and one dressed as Willie Wonka. They were constantly handing us candy and playing games with us on our trip down to Camp Allen. When we got to the camp we were led into the chapel (meeting hall) and greeted by second years in security guard costumes. They tried to make us be silent, but it was a little too hard for them to keep a straight face. They started with a welcome to med school presentation and slideshow that was supposed to be serious at the beginning, but halfway through morphed into crazy pictures of the second years and an assault from above and all around us by second years. We were hit by balloons and beach balls from above and silly string, confetti, and other such things from the sides. The second years were running up and down the aisle like mad people dressed in crazy costume--most of the guys in drag. It was all together too much to take in at once, but it was hilarious. They continued to wow us with presentations like that all day. I think my favorite was the tighty-whitey running club tour of Houston. About 8 second year guys made a video of them running around famous landmarks in Houston only in tighty-whities and running shoes. They showed us the med school, the water wall, the Rice running track, Rice Village, Minute Maid Park, and Reliant Park. They apparently taped the whole thing at around noon on a Saturday...I wish I had been a spectator on the side of the street for that!

As the day progressed we were taken on a hay-ride to get to the area where we had a semi-field day. We competed as buses in several events including tug of war, a crazy egg hunt in a mud pit, dodge ball, a race in wet scrubs to fill a graduated cylinder full of "urine" using only your mouth, a slip and slide relay where the slip and slide was covered with mustard, baby oil, and soap, and a water balloon toss. I unfortunately, was on the loosing bus. Team Wonka did not win a single event. We were however the smallest bus, at least half the size of the winning bus. We had good times though.

After the field day we went back to our cabins to clean up and get dressed for the costume party at the end of the night. Of course I was Velma. The theme was Hollywood, so it wasn't too hard to find cool costumes. After getting dressed we had to wait for a hay-ride to come and pick us up to go back to the main area for dinner and skits. The skits were amazing. I can't even begin to imagine how much time they put into them. There were countless videos that they created that were very humorous (I didn't stop laughing the whole time) and that were edited in seemingly professional way. On top of approximate hour of film footage they had, they interspersed skits and an MC. The skits were awesome. They had girls that copied the Coyote Ugly dance almost perfectly, guys that did the Risky Business Tom Cruise dance in their shirts and underwear, Country dancers that did all kinds of crazy lifts and tricks, as well as the best dance of the night a West Side Story fight type dance that evolved into a Lord of the Dance fight type dance, that evolved into a guy who looked exactly like Napoleon Dynamite copying the dance from the movie exactly. It was freakin' awesome! I have no idea how our class is going to even come close to their performance, let alone top it like what is supposed to happen each year. They seriously could have charged an admission to complete strangers to watch the show and made money off of it!

After the skits, we wound up taking a school bus to the dance/costume party in another area of the camp. The party was actually a lot more fun than you would have expected a dance/costume party to be where you didn't really know anyone. This could have had something to do with the free-flowing alcohol. I heard that $3000 alone went to beer purchases. Crazy! Well, they kicked all of us first years out at 1 am, but some people continued to party and even managed to steal some beer from the second year camp. I however was exhausted and wound up crashing almost immediately with most of the other girls in my cabin.

I can't believe it, but our cabin actually got up earlier than we needed to this morning, and we were all showered and ready to go 30 minutes before we needed to be anywhere. After staying up drinking until at least 1 in the morning, it was amazing that a group of 10 girls were able to get up and be packed and ready to go by 8:30. I don't know if it was just a fluke, or if groups of med school girls are just anal enough to make that happen.

After all of this talk about field days, skits, parties, etc it sounds like we weren't ever serious out there. That's not totally true. We had the Dean come and talk to us, several professors come and talk to us, and we met with our Advisor groups for the first time. The inundated us with info about what books to buy, what equipment we needed, what to expect on the first few days as well as the whole first year and beyond. We had numerous talks about what it means to be a med student, how we should aim for having balance in our lives, and how we are embarking on a "journey." If I hear the word journey one more time, I think I might scream! They seemed to really be trying to drive home the point that yes we are going to have to work and study really hard as well as learn to be professional, but that we also need to learn how to cut loose and have fun at appropriate times, and not let our careers and school define who we are. I think it was good advice and I hope I can follow it; however, after hearing it so often on the retreat it just became repetitive words. It was good though that so many people in so many situations kept telling us the same things, everyone from the dean, to course directors, to residents, to upperclassmen, to second years, seemed to be sending the same message about the mission of the school, and what we should expect in the coming years.

Anyways we went up to the main meeting place again this morning, had breakfast and observed the many hangovers and heard tales of some of the wild things that happened (mostly in the boys camp) the previous night. We then went to sessions we selected to get spoken to even more about the next few years. I went to a session called "Light at the end of the tunnel" first. It was given by a practicing surgeon in Austin. He is not affiliated with the med school, but agreed to talk to us anyways. It was basically a talk saying to remember what is important in your life and don't let med school blind you to the life that is going on all around you. Don't ignore family, friends, etc. He also went into the different types of practices we could ultimately find ourselves in, and how they effect your quality of life. After that I went to a session called "Residency 101." In that one the Dean and assistant Dean of Student Affairs talked to us about the residency application process and what we needed to be thinking about and doing now. Basically it isn't much right now except doing well in our classes, but time will fly by fast, and I just feel better not having the whole residency thing be an enigma right now.

After the sessions, we went to the chapel where we had a few more presentations. By that point everyone was too tired/hung over to really pay attention, and the information was becoming quite repetitive. We eventually had lunch and headed back home. I can't believe we crammed that much into what was essentially only 36 hours. It seemed like it had to have been more than just a day and half, but it was still a lot of fun.

All in all, I'm glad that I went to the retreat. I know I'm going to be much more comfortable on Monday morning because of it, plus it was just fun to see everybody in such a relaxed atmosphere before the rigors of school begin. On that note, I'm going to attach some pictures from the costume party to show that med students can be fun people too! Oh, and apparently they are going to be putting out a DVD of the retreat, so if I can figure out how to upload any of the cool stuff, I may make it a link someday!

Cabin 9

Beyonce, Peggy Bundy, Marissa (from the OC), Hollywood walk, Deb, Flame (American Gladiator), and Velma not pictured, Audrey Hepburn, Grace Kelly, Wayne (Wayne's World)

Velma, Daphne, Shaggy, & Scooby-Doo

Deb and Napoleon

Marissa, Audrey Hepburn, Velma, Cowgirl, Garth & Wayne

Winona Ryder, No Costume McGee #1, Elvis, Hollywood Walk, No Costume McGee #2

White Coat Ceremony

2005-08-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

The med school white coat ceremony was the other night. The ceremony marked the beginning of my class's, the class of 2009, entry into medical school and the medical profession. The ceremony resembled a graduation. We filed in one by one, we listened to keynote speakers, we filed across the stage one by one as our names were called and the heads of different departments helped us put on our white coats for the first time. Then we filed off the stage, signed an ethical pledge, and when everyone was finished we publicly took the Hippocratic oath together. It was a very nice ceremony. All of our parents were there watching and snapping pictures left and right.

The ceremony was somewhat emotional. Since my last name is towards the beginning of the alphabet I was one of the first people to file into the auditorium. While filing in I was overwhelmed by all of the parents turning around, standing up, and clapping. It wasn't like a high school graduation or even a college graduation clap. It was the clap of the parents, friends, and other family of 210 people that were ab out to become doctors. Seeing the ecstatic pride and joy on all of their faces almost caused me to break down into tears while processing to the front of the room. Luckily I kept it together and my parents were even able to snap a picture of me beaming as I walked in. I don't know when I've ever felt that way before. It was like at that moment all of the families of all of the students in our class were congratulating us and rejoicing that their children were fufilling all of their dreams. I don't think I can adequately describe what it felt like.

Well, because of where my name fell in the alphabet I wound up sitting on the front row in the very center for the ceremony. I was staring straight into the eyes of the dean of the school. All of the important people in the med school were on the stage, and I was close enough I could really see their eyes and the looks on their faces. When the keynote speaker, the professor who won the humanism in medicine award this year, gave his speech on exactly what it meant to be a humanistic doctor I watched the eyes of almost everyone on the stage start to tear up. It was amazing to see the people that far along and that established in their careers still get emotional about their career choice. I hope that I can feel that way 10, 20, and even 30 or more years down the road. I hope no matter what happens to me and my medical career over the years that I will never forget this ceremony or what it felt like to be there.

White Coat Ceremony

Ethical Pledge

I acknowledge and accept the privileges and responsibilities given to me today as a physician-in-training and dedicate myself to provide care to those in need.

I will approach all aspects of my education with honesty and integrity, embracing opportunities to learn from patients, teachers and colleagues.

I will always maintain the highest standards of professional conduct.

I will certify only that which I have personally verified, and I will neither receive nor give unauthorized assistance on examinations.

I will value the knowledge and wisdom of the physicians who have preceded me.

I will recognize my weaknesses and strengths, and strive to develop those qualities that will earn the respect of my patients, my colleagues, my family, and myself.

I will respect the humanity, rights and decisions of all patients and will attend to them with compassion and without bias.

I will maintain patient confidentially and be tactful in my words and actions.

I will value the diversity of patients' experiences, cultures and beliefs because it enhances my ability to care for them and enriches my education.

I will strive to earn the trust my patients place in me and the respect that society places upon my profession.

I recognize the privileges afforded to me as a physician-in-training and promise not to abuse them.

Even as a student I have a responsibility to improve the standard of health in my community, to increase access to care for the underserved and to advance medical knowledge.

As I accept these new responsibilities, I will not forget the importance of my own health and well-being.

I will continue to value my relations with those who have supported me in the past and those who will share in my future.

Knowing my own limitations and those of medicine, I commit myself to a lifelong journey of learning how to cure, relive and comfort with humility and compassion.

I make these promises solemnly, freely, and upon my honor.

The Oath of Hippocrates

I do solemnly swear, by whatever I hold most sacred:

That I will be loyal to the Profession of Medicine, and just and generous to its members.

That I will lead my life and practice my profession in uprightness and honor.

That into whatsoever house I shall enter, it shall be fore the good of the sick to the utmost of my power, holding myself far aloof from wrong, form corruption, from the tempting of others to vice.

that I will exercise my profession solely for the cure of my patients, and will give no drug, perform no operation, for a criminal purpose, even if solicited; far less suggest it.

That whatsoever I shall see or hear of the lives of men which is not fitting to be spoken, I will keep inviolably secret.

These things do I swear.

And now, should I be true to this my oath, my prosperity and good repute be ever mine; the opposite, should I prove myself forsworn.

Flowers

2005-08-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

Today something very nice happened to me, and it caught me by surprise. I had a long morning today, and by 11:30 I was starting to get sleepy so I took a nap. I was awakened less than twenty minutes later by a knock at the door. It was a lady with flowers who was impatiently asking me to sign for them. My first thought was, "She's got the wrong apartment." Then I thought, "Perhaps I'm accepting them for a neighbor. Yea, I'm going to have a reason to meet my neighbors!" Well, the delivery woman didn't even speak to me, she just pointed to MY name on the delivery sheet and where I needed to sign. Well, my head started racing at that point. I was so confused. Who would send ME flowers? It's nowhere near my birthday, I don't have a boyfriend or even a prospect, and I hadn't done anything nice for anybody lately that would merit receiving flowers.

Well, let me tell you, once I closed the door on the delivery lady I raced to the table so I could put the flowers down and rip off the card. I just couldn't figure out why I was so special that I should be getting flowers, or better yet who would think to send me flowers? I love the idea of getting flowers, I just never imagined myself as the type of person anyone would want to send them to. I mean, people have given me flowers in person before, but for some reason that's not the same as having somebody think ahead enough to have them professionally delivered to you. That just adds to the specialness of the moment!

Well, let me stop stalling and reveal who sent me the flowers and why. It was the Breitzmanns! They were congratulating me on starting med school! The card read:

"Congratulations on getting your white coat! What an accomplishment! Enjoy your
day with your family.

Love,
Nancy, John & Sara Breitzmann"

I can't believe they thought of me and sent me flowers! It was such a shock! That is perhaps the nicest, most thoughtful, most random thing anybody outside of my family has ever done for me. I guess that among many other reasons are why the Breitzmanns are always going to hold a special place in my heart and in my life. For those of you that don't know this wonderful family, Sara (the daughter) is my best friend from high school. Her mom, Nancy, has become my mom's best friend too. They are all very sweet, talented, and kind people.

Well, I'm going to go and water my flowers, and sit and revel in the fact that today I've finally become a person who receives flowers! This may be one of the happiest days of my life!

I'm starting a new blog!

2005-08-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

So I decided it was time to start a new blog. I'm starting a new era in my life, so it seems only right to start a new blog to chronicle it all. Plus, I never could figure out how to post pictures or do other such cool things on my old blog site. This site seems to be more user friendly for the computer illiterate like me! Of course I'll keep the old one around, but this is going to be where I put more my important and public posts.

Anyways, my first day of med school orientation starts tomorrow, so I'll have to update again when that happens. So for now, I'm going to spend some time trying to figure out the fun features of this blog, cleaning up my apartment, and getting ready for orientation to start. Keep your eyes out for more fun posts on this blog site!